Natural Oils and Stolen Ideas - There's a Buddha on my Monitor

Well, we're back -just like a bad rash (you know, the sort of rash that persists, like, a really long time, but it's in one of those places where it's difficult to scratch on your own, and you don't have any friends that would help you, so you're forced to rub up against practically everything, including your roommate's turtle. Oh, maybe that's just us...). If memory serves us correctly, and goodness knows that it usually doesn't (that's why we keep archives of our articles), we said that we would write another article when something really, colossally amazing happened. We assumed this was gonna be after a reasonable time, such as when they finished the fountain. Most signs pointed to our triumphant return in B-term. As you can see, this is D-term. Missed it by... that much.

Ok, let's attack this problem like engineers. First, raid the vending machines. [insert sounds of shuffling feet and coins here - use your imaginations people] Next, make a list of stuff so your boss thinks you're working. (Laurel's the boss - I just work here.) Right, so the things that prevented our timely return to the world of Newspeak are as follows:

1. The unexpected advent of WINTER in the middle of the construction timetable.

2. The complete lack of adequate communication between the people who paid for the fountain and accompanying walkway, and the people who actually had to build it. This we regard as resulting from an obscure time zone anomaly in the general vicinity of the quaint, little village where all the workers, coincidentally, were from. Documentary evidence has suspiciously been removed from our files. A reward has been offered.

3. We, that is, us, sabotaged the entire project because they refused, repeatedly, to christen it "Philler Phountain." Our arch-nemesis in this plan is none other than & (ampersand), who was always exceedingly greedy and malicious. And after all we've done for him...

4. Ancient ruins were discovered buried under the site, but no one cared too much. This only actually delayed the project about half an hour.

5. The Big A was talking B-term. Now you know how with dogs you have to multiply everything by seven? Well, we like to call this Administration years, only they use a factor of -785469232#$$#sd34503ds, and estimating completion dates becomes rather confusing. We won't bore you with the details.

Despite all the factors working against the eventual completion of the fountain, it only took them until D-term - not too shabby. And hey, it works great... well, as intended, at least. The WPI community now has the joy of walking around yet another strangely placed thing in the normal path of travel. Here's the idea: at great expense, design a high-traffic area; force the people to travel through it from a variety of routes; do this for long enough that everyone is trained to use them; then, during D-term, when students are stressed-out and dazed from a metric butt-load of work, place an object right in the middle of this densely traveled area, that forces everyone to avoid it at peril of encountering severe wetness. This, on the whole, is dastardly. We approve wholeheartedly. Not that we like to annoy people, far from it. We just applaud the psychological messing-up of people's minds. Now that's a biiiig practical joke.

Since we're in fountain-mode, let's talk about some things that are wrong with it, what we offer as improvements, and a few other observations about the whole of Reunion Plaza. First, an observation. Freshpeople, go ask an upperclassperson about this, but we think the "benches" bear a striking resemblance to some other rather hard, boxy, uncomfortable, bench-devices. Starting to ring a bell (why, is it dinner time?)? Ever wonder what happened to the old wedge benches? Ever wonder why dirt smells like sweet pickles after heavy rain? Now you know what was under that brown carpeting. No, not pickled dirt - the really hard stone things that resemble benches. Quit putting words in our mouth (collective, ewwww).

And now for a word or two about improving the lovely, but not quite as useful as it could be, fountain. First of all, the soaping is kind of silly. It was neat the first time, and tradition demanded that someone did it, but the smell of Downy Fabric Softener is just annoying. Let's be more creative. We're engineers, dammit, not laundry technicians. The only possible good that could come of soaping the fountain is that it cleans the underside of passing emergency vehicles, but this is not quite enough of a reason to keep the same old same old. We need variety. Doesn't everyone?

Chemists, this one's for you. Be creative. What things do really neat stuff in water? Don't do anything downright dangerous, or destructive, but things like pyrotechnics always add to the ambiance of any college campus. We're talking lots of neat-o colors and other fun stuff. Please stay away from neat-o smells, though.

Mechanical Engineers, do your worst. Design attachments for the fountain to make it more interesting and exciting for passers by. The water only goes up and down now - what about sideways? What about a nice thin layer of water jetting out across the entire plaza, providing everyone with cooling, soothing water at their ankles. Spinning, pelting walter would be ok with us, too. Set it to music. Give Disney a run for their money.

Double Es, we want high-tech stuff. Infrared sensors that control the height of the fountain. "Hmmm, it looks off. I guess it's safe to walk though. OH NO! AHH, I'M ALL WET!" You get the idea... Remote controls are always an option for the amusement of professors with windows overlooking the plaza.

Humanities majors. Ah... write something cool. Sonnets and stuff. Ode to a Fountain.

Biologists... No. Don't touch it. No experimental biospheres. Just watch the carnage from Salisbury.

Everyone else, think of your own ideas. We're just columnists, and don't get paid much. But we will think for food. Chocolate's good.

Some people complain that the fountain just looks like a faulty pipe. With some slight modifications, the fountain could become pretty practical. You could control the fountain height with a simple foot petal, and use it as a drinking fountain (or "bubbler" if you're one of those people who use terms like that). However, some enterprising young engineer would, of course, "rewire it," and then the fun would begin. Three cheers for practical jokes at other people's expense.

We understand the area formerly known as West Street is still a emergency route, so nothing can be put there that would prohibit travel, but that makes the fountain so boring. Can't we engineer something better, like a break-away fountain? Or maybe one that quickly zips into the ground whenever a car is approaching. Or one that is really flexible and could spring back up after being run over. Or a hologram - that way we could change the image based upon popular demand. Think about it. Image the possibilities.

Well, we'd like to take this moment and congratulate ourselves on getting yet another wonderful article into the paper. Yes, we realize that this is the only one for this entire year, but hey, who's counting? Give us a break - we're getting old, and can't quite find the strength all the time - those donations of cookies and Ben and Jerry's ice cream have dwindled down to a few crumbs and small, sticky puddles. We need your support. Email Newspeak and put Philler as the subject if you've enjoyed our little chat, and maybe, just maybe, we'll write some more. Until next year...

- Laurel and Guinevere

P.S. You - didn't - think - we'd - forget - the - traditional, - silly - acronym, - now - did - you? (Y. D. T. W. F. T. T. S. A. N. D. Y.?)

Send your thoughts, observations, and questions to us at philler@philler.com...