Laserdisks and Fallen Angels - Who finished off the milk?!
Forget the introduction this week. We have a much more important thing on our mind: renovations. Not the work that is currently being done on campus - that stuff's old hat now. We're talking about our apartment. Plenty of work to be done up here: painting the deck, refinishing the floors, hanging the new flower-print wallpaper in the kitchen, scraping paint off the windows, unclogging the drains, vacuuming the mannequins, polishing the stuffed dog collection, retiling the Olympic pool (wink, wink), spit-shining the Trojan War relics, and sweeping the floors.
After reading last week's article by our Editor-in-Chief Brian Parker ("Dad" to us and many others...?), we were excited to discover that Dr. Parrish, aside from his many administrative talents, also has a knack for household repair. We quote: "the rest is just projects my wife tells me to do, like wallpapering, electrical work, plumbing..." This man is perfect. In fact, we would like to formally invite the good Doctor and his lovely wife over for dinner, a stimulating discussion of campus concerns, and various other "restorations"... Say... Saturday night around eight o'clock?
In case no one told you about Philler, Dr. Parrish, the following letter may clear up the hazy bits:
Finally, after a year and a half of "lurking," I have an insight worthy of your attention. Think back to last year, hours of debate, trying to find a spot for a Student Center. Now, we have conquered West Street, and they want to put a pedestrian mall there. Am I the only one that caught the irony here? They want to start the redesigning soon, before anyone changes their minds about the street closing. What better way to lay permanent claim to The Property Formerly Known as West Street than to put a building on top of it? Added bonus: it could be placed to conceal the air-conditioner studded side of The Edifice Formerly Known as the Project Center, in my opinion the ugliest building on campus. I'm hoping the administration will seriously consider this idea. From what I can tell the best way to get something changed around here is to get you two to make fun of it... I think the administration takes you more seriously than the alleged student leadership. New slogan: "Laurel and Guinevere: Voices of the Silent Majority."
Is anyone listening today?
Alan Head '97
Saaaaay... That's catchy. "Voices of the Silent Majority." Yeah... Anyone want to make T-shirts for us? At $4 a shirt, we'd get everyone to wear one, and just think of the fun that would be... Oh, on second thought, maybe we're getting a little bit ahead of ourselves. (Is that really possible? Can you be ahead of yourself? Hmmm. Sounds like a question for the Fysics and/or Filosophy department.)
Now, back to the topic at hand: making our apartment livable. After much thought, we've decided that a Jacuzzi would be appropriate, since we're going to be the voices of the silent majority, we're going to need some relaxation time. Speaking for all those people is not easy. But we digress, as usual.
Back to the topic at hand: the Campus Center. We'd like to publicly (and privately, but that comes later) endorse A's idea for putting a building directly on the road which, until so recently, was known as West Street. (Since this expression is becoming a pain in the butt to type, it will henceforth be represented by the glyph "@".) For some reason, the sheer guts involved in petitioning for the road, fighting with the city over it, finally getting it, and, in less time than it takes a one-legged pig to dig a tunnel to Kansas City, erecting a mountainous building on it really appeals to us.
Unfortunately, A, you neglected to consider Article 756, Section 2922 of the Kentucky Building Code, which states "any such erected structure pertaining to the party of the first part hereunto involving the personification of art and livestock under especial duress caused by unhindered use of Teflon washers shall be constructed in the shape of a U." However, don't feel too bad, since we had to work very hard to uncover this little known, and quite obscure, statute. This, on the whole, has amazingly little to do with the reasons why we can't follow your idea to the letter. Explanation follows.
The agreement, which resulted in @, specified that @ should remain accessible to emergency vehicles (read Ben and Jerry's delivery trucks to some of us). Since a building can usually be considered a major hindrance to the movement of such vehicles, the plan will have to be slightly altered. Enter the Earle Student Center. Bearing a striking resemblance to the Earle Bridge, the E.S.C. [which will be great place for students to escape to... (We gotta make at least one joke the CS's will get...)] would be the best of both worlds. Spanning @ would allow for the passage of the emergency delivery trucks, and also create a majestic entrance to the main portion of the campus, rivaling the Arch de Triumph. The E.S.C. would connect Salisbury Labs and Olin Hall, providing an extremely large area for student use. It would also cover up that silly blank spot on Olin (the exterior of OH 107). Although we don't have an artist's conception of this proposal (we don't even have an artist), we would be more than willing to work with anyone Boynton wants to hire to further explore this proposal.
For posterity, we would like to mention that we have been listening to They Might Be Giants, wearing our hats, and Guinevere has been drinking coffee (from The Bean Counter - plug, plug) while composing this week's article quite late on a Sunday night. We certainly hope that explains a few things... Until next time, please write to us.
Quote for the week: "Don't think of organ donations as giving up part of yourself to keep a total stranger alive. It's really a total stranger giving up almost all of themselves to keep part of you alive."
Send your thoughts, observations, and questions to us at firstname.lastname@example.org...