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09/28/93 - Eggs and Hamsters - Who eats, and who gets eaten

Letter to the Editor: Ask not for whom the bell tolls...

02/08/94 - Strawberries and Whipped Cream - Why I get wet at WPI

02/15/94 - Pencils and Jello - What's Holding This Up?

02/22/94 - Oprah and Applesauce - And now a word from our fans

03/01/94 - Moats and Chicks - What's being served today?

03/29/94 - Lists and destiny - A smile without a cat

04/19/94 - Carbonless Paper and the Swiss Alps - The healthier alternative

04/26/94 - Toasted armadillos and the jon - How to balance the budget


08/30/94 - Coke Bottle Glasses and Chicken Little - Who's running the show?

09/07/94 - Blowup Dolls and Sharp Tacks - Closed for Remodeling

09/13/94 - Anchovies in the Petrolium Jelly - How did I get into this?

09/20/94 - Fog and the Dutch - Why am I muddy?

10/04/94 - Doughnuts and The Swamp Thing - What do you want on your Tombstone?

10/11/94 - Phone Calls and Blank Walls - Has Jack Frost been nipping at your... butt?

11/01/94 - Sabotage and Sodas - The Time has Come

11/08/94 - Ticket Stubs and Drinking - What's all the rush about?

11/15/94 - Flea Bites and Lounge Acts, Don't Touch That Dial

11/22/94 - Seagulls and Parking Lots - Do you really have to take this?

12/06/94 - Marching bands and pink balloons - You're getting verrrry sleepy...

12/13/94 - Merry Christmas or Seasons Greetings - Grab a PC and take off.

01/17/95 - Cartoons and Twinkies - Who's stuffing the ballot box?

01/24/95 - Feathers and Harbor Seals - What's that thing growing on your leg?!

01/31/95 - Four-wheelers and Telephone Poles - Who's been eating YOUR porridge?

02/07/95 - Fig Leaves and Pipe Cleaners - What are you doing in here?

02/21/95 - Cappuccino and Microchips - The Good Time Eating Place

02/28/95 - Dental Floss & Diaphragms - Trouble Brewing?

03/21/95 - Tangerines and Coffee Beans - Sleepless in New Jersey

03/28/95 - Top Hats and Hopscotch - Your one-stop bait and tackle store

04/04/95 - L. I. L. A. B. O. C. A. W. J. S. O. T. N. Y. F. I. T. W. B. T. Y. A. P. I. T. B. N. O. T. F. B. R. T. W. L. T. C. P. F. T. O. Y. W. F. T. S. Y. C. F. O. N. T. I. T. I. O. B. Y. F. T. O. Y. W. D. K. H. O. T. H. T. O. Y. V. C. R. W. I. H. U. A. A. S. . L. T. J. W. T. U. A. W. B. G. T. S. B. A. M. T. F. 1. I. O. M. S. A. O. T. L. T. W. A. W. T. D. T. H. O. W. R. W. L. Y. P. W. W. W. C. T. Y. A. O. T. D. A. A. V. E. R. O. Y. C. B. W. K. T. W. C. N. A. A. P. O. Y. H. Q. T. U. L. I. T. T. Y. G. S. O. Y. N. H. I. W. O. M. P. L. G. I. A. S. G. P. T. Y. N. T. Y. N. N. N. I. I. T. Y. U. L. G. B. T. T. A. T. R. A. L. B. O. A. W. H. A. A. N. W. W. H. A. R. A. A. R. C. A. C. N. W. C. A. P. P. C. A. N. P. P. C. M. A. W. E. I. L. N. R. C. C. H. H. A. W. W. A. T. T. S. I. T. W. R. R. R. W. Y. T. D. A. T. W. L. F. F. U. P. T. E. P. U. T. T. W. T. W. R. T. Y. N. R. P. T. W. Y. B. A. D. A. W. P. I. F. Y. B. F. M. S. D. E. O. Y. L. T. A. P. L. A. G. C. A. W. P. T. D. F. Y. F. C. O. S. D. D. F. C. S. A. F. N. J. D. S. K. T. E. A. S. W. O. S. S. D. A. E. W. T. P. C. W. U. W. G. A. F. T. O. R. A. B. Y. F. A. S. D. C. O. O. H. W. W. R. Y. T. Y. P. S. P. N. W. T. Y. - A new record

04/11/95 - Spandex and Harsh Abrasives - We don't do Windows

04/18/95 - Paper Bags and Sharp Sticks - What flavor would you like?

04/25/95 - Sponge Cake and Mrs. Butterworth - Some settling may occur during shipping


08/19/95 - Aardvarks and Toothpicks - Here's looking at you, kid.

08/29/95 - Pop Rocks and Oral Sex - Please watch your step

09/06/95 - Laserdisks and Fallen Angels - Who finished off the milk?!

09/12/95 - Cheez-Its and Deep Sea Fishing - Parrish the Thought

09/26/95 - Napkin Roses and Freckles - Nice guys read Dr. Seuss

10/03/95 - Laser Sights and Goats - Sorry, Worcester Joke...

10/10/95 - Cockroaches and Sack Fights - I'm sorry, my dentures must have slipped

10/31/95 - Paper Clips and Vegetarians - Do Whatever the Little Voices Tell You To Do

11/07/95 - Peanut Butter and Mel Tormei - Hey, Who Used All the Hot Water?!

11/14/95 - Hot Fudge and Cold Guns - Excuse me, there's a fly in my soup.

11/21/95 - Dairy Cows and a 6-Foot Threaded Rod - Kiss Me I'm Irish

12/05/95 - VCRs and Cannolies - Just point, click, and ship.

12/12/95 - Thick Socks and Bubble Baths - Sorry, Virginia...

01/16/96 - Shoehorns and a Pleasant Wedge - 'Nuff snow fer ya?

01/23/96 - Harsh Words and Sun Spots - The Gompei Chronicles

02/13/96 - Silly String and Lois Lane - Sounds Like a Title to Me

04/23/96 - Pickles and Pizza - No, no, no. He's just... pining...


04/22/97 - Natural Oils and Stolen Ideas - There's a Buddha on my Monitor


01/30/01 - Strained Peas and Intellectual Property - We Didn't Expect the Spanish Inquisition!

02/06/01 - Squirrels and Party Favors - Hey, babe, what's your sign?

02/13/01 - Charlie Sheen and Bean Paste - Anybody know what happened to the cat?

02/20/01 - Peaches and Spiny Chameleons - Did I leave the branding iron on?


Toasts and Shaving Cream - If you're the best man, why are you going stag?

09/04/01 - Boxers and Radishes - I want a standing ovation!

11/13/01 - Sardines and Diamondbacks - We agree to pause and rant

Charlie Sheen and Bean Paste - Anybody know what happened to the cat?

by Laurel and Guinevere

As you can no doubt tell from this week's title, we're both pretty shaken up about the recent stock market fluctuations. Good thing we decided to hold off on that Philler IPO. That could have been disastrous. Of course, we probably wouldn't be with the Technology stocks, so scratch NASDAQ's problems. Then again, we're not really Blue Chip material either. Perhaps we could make our own index. Yeah, but it would have to be something snappy, something that rolls off the tongue; a common word that's easy to say, and yet has many layers of meaning... Something like "S. N. I. T. Z. E. L. B. (E. R. G. E. N. H.) E. I. B. E. (R.) Averages." Yeah, that's perfect. Clear, concise, and very, very meaningful. Of course, for those of you who haven't figured it out already, it stands for "stuff-nobody-in-their-zany-ethereal-lamentable-brains-(even-really-good-engineers-near-Hackensack)-ever-imagined-buying-electronically-(really)." Geez, as if that weren't completely obvious.

So anyway. Even though our stock has yet to be traded publicly, we're still quite excited about our new "products." And, although our core line of bacon stretchers and Heisenberg Compensators are selling well, the t-shirt and mug sales are coming along nicely, too. Thanks for supporting the team!

Once again, we turn to our friend, Mathew M. Lug, who writes:

Here's an interesting observation for you: My first article appeared in Newspeak two issues after Philler was officially retired the first time. My last article appeared 8 pages before the most recent return of Philler. The only Philler article between these two events was in the spring of 1997, when I was no longer listed in the staff box due to extreme inactivity (a condition that Philler suffered from prior to that article). Is there a connection here? Am I somehow connected to Philler in such a way that our two entities cannot coexist, unless separated by a special Campus Center Edition? Did my letter in the April 23, 1996 Philler create this link? Or is this all one big "coincidence" that I should just ignore ... think nothing of it, go on with your life, repeat to yourself "Philler is not controlling me." "Philler does not tell me what to write." "Philler and I share no unnatural bond." "Remember to buy bread tomorrow..."

Yes, Mathew. You are absolutely correct. No doubt about it. You definitely need bread (sorry we ate the last few slices). However, there is a darker side - and your theories are only the tip of the iceberg lettuce. You must stop any and all inquiries into this topic otherwise we will no longer be able to protect you, your family, your friends, pets, others (significant and insignificant), and your third grade science teacher - that is, if it's not already too late...

And now another reader, Robert-Sean Patrick Harley, asks the question many of you no doubt have been losing sleep over:

umm, isn't the back of the forehead, underneath the skin? how exactly are you supposed to know if you have a rash there?

Well Mr. R. S. P. H., the answer is quite simple, really. If one is to fully understand oneself, and thereby understand the universe, one must be completely open to all possibilities. The first is this: never get involved in a land war in Asia. But the second is: rashes on the back of your forehead are a real bummer. *Very* hard to scratch. If you ask the Universe, it will tell you: Don't get a rash on the back of your forehead. The Universe is smart. But that wasn't your question, now, was it? Well, philosophy is that way sometimes. Non-philosophical people will tell you that sometimes, you just "know."

Exactly five years ago in honor of St. Valentine's Day, we published a little poem called "Untitled [A Terrible Love Song Involving DAKA]" (read it, you'll like it.) Many things have changed since that time. DAKA changed its name, Gwen's getting married this summer, and Laurel... well, Laurel is still fighting the urge to put a blatant plug for a date in his article. Gwen counters with the "Send" button and e-mails this article to the newspaper before it can be edited...

Send your thoughts, observations, and questions to us at