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Ticket Stubs and Drinking - What's all the rush about?

by Laurel and Guinevere

It's been a long week, but it's times like these that give us renewed faith in pseudonyms... A big warm fuzzy hug goes out this week to Ed Murphy and the whole crew at DAKA. If you get a chance, please drop us a GS Gram or two addressed to Philler, c/o Newspeak Box 2700. I know we prepaid and all, but don't you think it would be a good idea for a public statement when you do something major? We're sure that the WPI community would like to know the story behind the Interactive Television system - we're sure curious.

On a lighter note, it's time to delve into our mailbox of goodies again:

O' great and mighty writers of Philler (Newspeak's most read and most enjoyable feature), I bow down and worship thee both! You are wonderful and full of laughs! Every Monday I long for the 'morrow when your great words of wisdom alight upon the stubborn minds of DAKA things, Plant Services almost humans, and the robotic administration! Your words lighten the heart of every student who forsakes an $80,000 house for the unique educational opportunities at this grand institution!

Was that enough flattery for publication?

[Note: Oooh, yeah, that's adequate. Of course, we'll expect you to do better next time, you know... ]

You have requested interesting tidbits - well here's one: - but first, you'll have to take a field trip off campus - I know, its dangerous and all, and not for the weak of heart! but I have faith in you both!

[Road Trip!!! (Laurel cries "shotgun!" as both run to and pile inside our non-existent car.)]

If you'd kindly trek to the intersection of Salisbury and Lancaster, you'll find a most interesting sight - I nearly forgot how to drive when I noticed it. [Remind us not to go out driving with you...] You see, there's a small island in the middle of Salisbury, on the WPI side of Lancaster, that surrounds a pole. This is not any ordinary pole, mind you, but one of those nifty poles with the crosswalk button on it - you know - those buttons that never work - the button that (apparently) signals drivers to run you over... [Both nod in apparent comprehension]

Well, I was wondering, almighty WPI inquisitors, why the Worcester DPW decided to put a crosswalk button IN THE MIDDLE OF THE ROAD? Um, it seems to me, that optimal placement would be on either side of the road. No? Does WDPW expect us brave souls to risk death for one half of the road, while we can leisurely stroll across the other side in safety (assuming the device actually works and does not incite drivers against us)?

- The Great Boigy

We actually did do a road trip, and discover that the Great Boigy is telling the truth. Quite odd, this signal thingy, but not entirely surprising considering the general condition of the Worcester roadway management system...

The thing we like most about those walk button thingys is that they stop traffic. Just stopping the traffic which is going in the opposite direction would be adequate, mind you, but no, Worcester does it one better. Worcester pedestrian buttons stop ALL traffic. Just think of the power you have in your little finger when you push that button. You could hold that little thing down and back up traffic for hours... Ooo, ooo, evil thought, gotta write that one down...

Does anyone press the button even if they're not crossing the street just to back up traffic? Are you the same people who press all of the buttons on the elevator before you exit at your floor?

Does anyone else press that button multiple times so the traffic light thinks there's more than one person there and changes faster?

Does anyone believe that those buttons are really connected to anything? Traffic stops for you if you pause on the sidewalk long enough. I don't think we need walk signals really. The drivers are far too paranoid of hitting someone to even think of not stopping for you... (We're sure it is not out of love for pedestrians, but rather a intense dislike of washing blood off their collective hood.)

You know those little pillars with the memorial plaques on them at most intersections? I think the people are actually buried right there...

Dear Laurel and Guinevere,

Good work unraveling the mysteries of Stratton Hall 2.5. For your next adventure, perhaps you'd like to tackle Salisbury Labs 4.5; another short innocuous-looking doorway in the stairwell just above the 4th floor. I'll bet Michelle is dying to explore this one too.

I hope your poor plant gets well again. When I first moved into the dorm, I was worried about how my beloved indoor foliage would adapt to its new surroundings. But don't you know, WPI thinks of EVERYTHING. I opened up the directory and there I found it... the Department of Plant Services. Imagine, a whole department right here on campus just to tend to the needs of my precious plants; making sure they stay healthy and happy. Give them a call; I'm sure they can help you out.


A devoted reader

First off, thank you for complimenting our investigative reporting finesse. Salisbury Labs 4.5, eh? Any of our readers want to let us in? These doors keep getting smaller and smaller it seems... Maybe WPI is really an off-shoot of Wonderland...

We also appreciate your concern for our plant, oh unnamed one. For those of you who don't remember, it was suffering from the wrath of the school's lack of heating. Unfortunately, we believe our plant is truly dead now. We aren't sure if it is possible for plants to get hypothermia, but we've had it for over two years now, and it's not quite the same now that it's dead. Possibly the Department of Plant Services could get together with Father Scanlon or our pagemate Stephen Brown, and hold a service. Maybe Plant Services could give us a replacement tree from all of the ones they're planting around Freeman Plaza. We have no idea how it could ever fit into our room, but that's not important right now...

As far as surprising departments to be found on campus, we also suggest looking into the snazzy brand new Campus Directory under Campus Escort Service... (nudge, nudge, wink, wink)Also, look on page 22 in the yellow pages... How would we go about getting a Clark ID?

Here's a little something that we overheard a couple people talking about, and we're frankly quite shocked to discover it's truthfulness. Take yet another trip to Freeman Plaza, to the rock near the entrance to Washburn Shops (the big ole green entranceway). Read the plaque on the rock. It says something to the effect that "these plantings" are dedicated in loving memory to a person who lightened WPI with his horticultural expertise. Now, that is very lovely, and we all like to see such things - people deserve memorials and dedications, especially from those who cared about them. The question is, why did they change the plantings!? The Freshmen would not know this, but before all this "construction," there were plants of a different style there by the rock. There were little plants and trees, and the whole thing was quite nice. Now don't get me wrong, I think the new Freeman Plaza looks nice, but why did they have to change (destroy?) the memorial? Did anyone even remember that it was there? I wonder if the people who dedicated it know? If we're over-reacting, let us know. It just seems an awful shame...

The other night, we noticed two WPI cruisers sitting around in the Quad parking lot for at least ten minutes. They were just talking, as far as we could tell. It was about midnight, and lots of people were still wandering around, and coming home from parties. We don't know why the police were just sitting there, instead of doing there rounds, but we're curious. Personally, I know that I'd feel a lot safer knowing that they were constantly roving campus to protect the students (both from strangers and themselves). There were sooo many drunk people meandering here and there (going home? going to another party?) that I would imagine that the police would want to keep an eye out for them. I don't suggest that party-goers should be arrested, but rather that they are good targets to get mugged. (For those of you who don't remember, there were a few muggings on campus last year.)

You know, maybe if we were able to get some sleep, we wouldn't be so... realistic. What caused us to lose sleep, you ask? Saturday morning parades, for one. Was it truly necessary to fire a cannon (or whatever that tremendous boom was) at 9:30 in the morning? Some people were trying to sleep, and received a rather rude wake-up call by some - silly - person - with - a - knack - for - scaring - the - pants - off - unsuspecting - slumberers - who - then - were - subjected - to - a - cacaphony - of - vehicular - horns - a - little - while - later (S. S. P. W. A. K. F. S. T. P. O. U. S. W. T. W. S. T. A. C. O. V. H. A. L. W. L.). When we heard the blast, we looked out the window expecting to see Higgins in a pile of rubble... Personally we could do without the parade of Greeks. No offense - I think that it is great that you are very happy to get into the Fraternity of your choice, but keep it to yourselves, or at least wait until the afternoon!

Well, that's about all for this week. Apologies for the non-funny parts. Try to keep the letters coming, because we like to hear from those people who don't think that we're a couple of mindless jerks. Actually, if you don't agree with something we said, write to us and tell us. We want to know if we are wrong. But remember, this is commentary, which means opinion. Facts are facts, simple and straight. We are also accomplished rhetoricians, so be careful if you attempt to get into an argument with us. So, if you have anything to say to us, anything at all, please write to us at We just use Newspeak's account for the purpose of getting mail. This column does not necessarily reflect the opinions of the Newspeak staff. Thanks for reading.

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