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09/28/93 - Eggs and Hamsters - Who eats, and who gets eaten

Letter to the Editor: Ask not for whom the bell tolls...

02/08/94 - Strawberries and Whipped Cream - Why I get wet at WPI

02/15/94 - Pencils and Jello - What's Holding This Up?

02/22/94 - Oprah and Applesauce - And now a word from our fans

03/01/94 - Moats and Chicks - What's being served today?

03/29/94 - Lists and destiny - A smile without a cat

04/19/94 - Carbonless Paper and the Swiss Alps - The healthier alternative

04/26/94 - Toasted armadillos and the jon - How to balance the budget


08/30/94 - Coke Bottle Glasses and Chicken Little - Who's running the show?

09/07/94 - Blowup Dolls and Sharp Tacks - Closed for Remodeling

09/13/94 - Anchovies in the Petrolium Jelly - How did I get into this?

09/20/94 - Fog and the Dutch - Why am I muddy?

10/04/94 - Doughnuts and The Swamp Thing - What do you want on your Tombstone?

10/11/94 - Phone Calls and Blank Walls - Has Jack Frost been nipping at your... butt?

11/01/94 - Sabotage and Sodas - The Time has Come

11/08/94 - Ticket Stubs and Drinking - What's all the rush about?

11/15/94 - Flea Bites and Lounge Acts, Don't Touch That Dial

11/22/94 - Seagulls and Parking Lots - Do you really have to take this?

12/06/94 - Marching bands and pink balloons - You're getting verrrry sleepy...

12/13/94 - Merry Christmas or Seasons Greetings - Grab a PC and take off.

01/17/95 - Cartoons and Twinkies - Who's stuffing the ballot box?

01/24/95 - Feathers and Harbor Seals - What's that thing growing on your leg?!

01/31/95 - Four-wheelers and Telephone Poles - Who's been eating YOUR porridge?

02/07/95 - Fig Leaves and Pipe Cleaners - What are you doing in here?

02/21/95 - Cappuccino and Microchips - The Good Time Eating Place

02/28/95 - Dental Floss & Diaphragms - Trouble Brewing?

03/21/95 - Tangerines and Coffee Beans - Sleepless in New Jersey

03/28/95 - Top Hats and Hopscotch - Your one-stop bait and tackle store

04/04/95 - L. I. L. A. B. O. C. A. W. J. S. O. T. N. Y. F. I. T. W. B. T. Y. A. P. I. T. B. N. O. T. F. B. R. T. W. L. T. C. P. F. T. O. Y. W. F. T. S. Y. C. F. O. N. T. I. T. I. O. B. Y. F. T. O. Y. W. D. K. H. O. T. H. T. O. Y. V. C. R. W. I. H. U. A. A. S. . L. T. J. W. T. U. A. W. B. G. T. S. B. A. M. T. F. 1. I. O. M. S. A. O. T. L. T. W. A. W. T. D. T. H. O. W. R. W. L. Y. P. W. W. W. C. T. Y. A. O. T. D. A. A. V. E. R. O. Y. C. B. W. K. T. W. C. N. A. A. P. O. Y. H. Q. T. U. L. I. T. T. Y. G. S. O. Y. N. H. I. W. O. M. P. L. G. I. A. S. G. P. T. Y. N. T. Y. N. N. N. I. I. T. Y. U. L. G. B. T. T. A. T. R. A. L. B. O. A. W. H. A. A. N. W. W. H. A. R. A. A. R. C. A. C. N. W. C. A. P. P. C. A. N. P. P. C. M. A. W. E. I. L. N. R. C. C. H. H. A. W. W. A. T. T. S. I. T. W. R. R. R. W. Y. T. D. A. T. W. L. F. F. U. P. T. E. P. U. T. T. W. T. W. R. T. Y. N. R. P. T. W. Y. B. A. D. A. W. P. I. F. Y. B. F. M. S. D. E. O. Y. L. T. A. P. L. A. G. C. A. W. P. T. D. F. Y. F. C. O. S. D. D. F. C. S. A. F. N. J. D. S. K. T. E. A. S. W. O. S. S. D. A. E. W. T. P. C. W. U. W. G. A. F. T. O. R. A. B. Y. F. A. S. D. C. O. O. H. W. W. R. Y. T. Y. P. S. P. N. W. T. Y. - A new record

04/11/95 - Spandex and Harsh Abrasives - We don't do Windows

04/18/95 - Paper Bags and Sharp Sticks - What flavor would you like?

04/25/95 - Sponge Cake and Mrs. Butterworth - Some settling may occur during shipping


08/19/95 - Aardvarks and Toothpicks - Here's looking at you, kid.

08/29/95 - Pop Rocks and Oral Sex - Please watch your step

09/06/95 - Laserdisks and Fallen Angels - Who finished off the milk?!

09/12/95 - Cheez-Its and Deep Sea Fishing - Parrish the Thought

09/26/95 - Napkin Roses and Freckles - Nice guys read Dr. Seuss

10/03/95 - Laser Sights and Goats - Sorry, Worcester Joke...

10/10/95 - Cockroaches and Sack Fights - I'm sorry, my dentures must have slipped

10/31/95 - Paper Clips and Vegetarians - Do Whatever the Little Voices Tell You To Do

11/07/95 - Peanut Butter and Mel Tormei - Hey, Who Used All the Hot Water?!

11/14/95 - Hot Fudge and Cold Guns - Excuse me, there's a fly in my soup.

11/21/95 - Dairy Cows and a 6-Foot Threaded Rod - Kiss Me I'm Irish

12/05/95 - VCRs and Cannolies - Just point, click, and ship.

12/12/95 - Thick Socks and Bubble Baths - Sorry, Virginia...

01/16/96 - Shoehorns and a Pleasant Wedge - 'Nuff snow fer ya?

01/23/96 - Harsh Words and Sun Spots - The Gompei Chronicles

02/13/96 - Silly String and Lois Lane - Sounds Like a Title to Me

04/23/96 - Pickles and Pizza - No, no, no. He's just... pining...


04/22/97 - Natural Oils and Stolen Ideas - There's a Buddha on my Monitor


01/30/01 - Strained Peas and Intellectual Property - We Didn't Expect the Spanish Inquisition!

02/06/01 - Squirrels and Party Favors - Hey, babe, what's your sign?

02/13/01 - Charlie Sheen and Bean Paste - Anybody know what happened to the cat?

02/20/01 - Peaches and Spiny Chameleons - Did I leave the branding iron on?


Toasts and Shaving Cream - If you're the best man, why are you going stag?

09/04/01 - Boxers and Radishes - I want a standing ovation!

11/13/01 - Sardines and Diamondbacks - We agree to pause and rant

Feathers and Harbor Seals - What's that thing growing on your leg?!

by Laurel and Guinevere

Ever get e-mail from John Lott Brown? We do... all the time... well... every once and a while... well... we got one from him before break... Here it is:

Laurel and Guinevere: Thanks for your kind words. They are much appreciated. A word of caution: it's easy to be a nice guy for a few weeks, before any tough decisions have had to be made. Let's watch the process unfold over the weeks ahead and continue our search for somebody who can really walk on water! JLB

Isn't that just wicked cool? We thought so. We did many Philler joy dances over that one, however, carrying all that weight around made us quite tired after several rounds. We thank him for responding to our article and hope others will follow his lead. We wonder if he has his Philler Phan Club certificate (suitable for framing) hanging on his wall with other distinguished documents...

Well, we're well into C term now, and we have received more mail for our aliases than in our real mail boxes. We're still not sure what this means, but maybe we should start getting on mailing lists so that "Laurel and Guinevere could have already won 10 million dollars!" Here's one of the other letters we've already received:

Dear Laurel and Guinevere,

We read your article first thing when we pick up Newspeak every glorious Tuesday. We've had several people tell us that we remind them of you, so we have decided to be a little part of this column and send you some questions that have been on our mind for a while.

We've been on DAKA for a long, long time now, and we've had our share of adventures, just like everyone else. As a matter of fact, we just came back from Breakfast, but that's not important right now. Here's what's important: Life. Yes, that precious and fragile thing that we so enjoy... for breakfast.

Recently, the DAKA people have been toying rather unfairly with Life. They have so rudely mixed Life Cereal with Golden Grahams over the past week. The various amounts of each type fluctuated wildly, causing quite the stir among cereal lovers. At one point, the Golden Grahams seemed to be entirely dead, for they had no Life in them. At other times, it appeared that they had fixed the problem, and had only one type in the dispenser, but alas, as one pulled out the handle, the bowl became filled with the cereal of the other kind.

This situation was unacceptable, especially since Life is vital for our survival... at least at breakfast. (Sorry, that had to be done...) Thanks to the timely intervention of our favorite DAKA hostesses, Bunny and June (hey, wasn't that a movie?), we were assured that the problem would be solved... and they shared in our disappointment / frustration / amusement the next day when it was basically worse.

The moral of the story is... um... have Rice Crunchies for breakfast - there's always plenty of those...

Peace, Love, and Cows,
Nick Conti and Troy Thompson

Hang on a minute. We know that you see the Top 10 List coming up, but there's an important thing to be said first. We assume you all got the Campus Center thingy in the mail last week. Well, we hope you didn't put it in the circular file, because unlike most of the snail mail you get, this one is important. Even if you personally will never see the campus center, those who come after you will be very grateful if it is the best that it can be. (Gee, does that really sound like an Army ad?) Think about it. Talk to your friends, and consult (not insult) your astrologist. Then, when all angles are considered, acute and obtuse, mail it back to Janet Begin Richardson. She gets stuff done. After all, her middle name means "start"... And now on to the funny bit... hopefully.

Top 10 Worst Places for a Campus Center:

    10. Laurel and Guinevere's closet. It''s far too crowded in there already with all those darn chains and such...

    9. Woodstock, NY. This seems to be a popular place for large social gatherings, however it is an inconvenient location for most WPI students. (Besides, TicketMaster wasn't willing to let WPI handle the ticket sales.)

    8. Morgan Hall Service Elevator. Despite its obviously unstable foundation, which would cause nausea for many students who spent extended periods of time in the Campus Center, limited floor space proved to be the major factor in this design's dismissal.

    7. Bancroft Tower. Although this is a common place for WPI students to "hang out," the city's habit of consistently locking the potential center's main gate would force students to seek alternate means of entry to the building, and thereby compromise their safety.

    6. Freeman Plaza. Why not? Its central to everything. Who cares that they just fixed the whole darn thing up, and at great expense? Besides, they have yet to figure out what that darn granite block is for. Think of it as a... corner stone...

    5. SGA Office. Since rumors abound of its possible impending vacancy... and it's proximity to the current campus center, a.k.a. The Wedge, make this an ideal choice.

    4. Boynton Hall - Yes, that's right. The Big A is out. The building was originally classrooms, so why shouldn't we reclaim it for the students? Besides, Boynton does not match with any of the other buildings, so therefore, it must go.

    3. The worst of the "official ideas" - Beech Tree Circle. Why would anyone want to get rid of this beautiful tree? The thing is school colors! The building would look like a guard tower right there at the entrance... Yucky poo.

    2. That abandoned warehouse in downtown Worcester - lots of floor space, and convenient to everywhere, but drafty in "winter"

    1. Riley Hall - just plain stoooopid. Where would you put the 200 students who live there now? Duh! Did you ever think of that? (However, we have to thank the "committee" for finally taking it off the list of choices.)

IV. Conclusion

This project was done so that we could examine the fundamental disparities between the reality of the subjective, and whatever we say. It has been determined that we have no clue, but so what. We keep talking anyway, but we'd like some help from you. If you have anything to say at all, please write to us at, or at Box 2700, or select Philler Pheedback on our Web page off of the Newspeak page. Bye for now.

Send your thoughts, observations, and questions to us at