Flea Bites and Lounge Acts, Don't Touch That Dial

[Public Service Announcement! The inclusion of Cable TV in every dorm room is the greatest thing since sliced bread. College life has now become wonderful. Classes are trivial, i.e., we don't go. Our GPAs are dropping like flies in an inordinately high gravitational field, but our knowledge of Boob-Tube-ology has increased significantly in the last two terms. Besides, now we don't even have to venture out of our rooms and into the lounges to watch the WPI channel. Isn't that great!? Modern technology, my friends. Modern technology will save us from the evils of modern society, whatever that means. We're not sure, but someone said it on a talk show, so it must be true. Besides, it sounds wicked deep...

The reason for this lengthy statement (while clear to us a few minutes ago) has now lost all basis in reality, but that just makes it that much closer to our new god - television. We pray to it at least ten hours a day while its flickering aura bathes us in wondrous continuum of the collective minds of our digitally-linked planet, and nonlethal radiation doses (or so we hope).

In this stage of our development, we need the loving, guiding hand of Animaniacs to help us through the difficult times of college life. Faithfully tuning in every day, we have learned the truth about life, so elegantly expressed by "Pinky" of Pinky and the Brain. Just watch and you will know the truth of his wisdom, however obscure it may seem...

And now a word from our sponsors: (ok, they're just fans, but we'd only have a four paragraph article if it wasn't for them.)

Anyone in the Radio Club (not Radio Station) can tell you that the door at the top of the stairway leads to the radio club room (and the roof). I bet they'll be pissed about this since they were also airbrushed off the course catalog!

-Patrick Delahanty

Thanks for that tidbit of info. It was waaaaay back that we did that thing about the cover of the course catalog. Hmmm, you must be a veteran reader... However, some of our readers won't remember, either because they weren't here at the time, or just slacked off in reading our column. We'll give them the benefit of the doubt, and say that they're Freshmen, shall we? The story goes a little something like this: If you look at the cover of the 94-95 Course Catalog, you will notice the near total lack of stuff and thingies on the roofs of buildings. While this may not seem all that unusual, if you get a hold of a 91-92 Course Catalog, which has all sorts of things shown on rooftops, the blatant attempt at deception is revealed! Hmmm, a liberal dose of airbrushing anyone? (Story time is over. Please turn over the record if you wish to continue the story...)

Some people just come up with the most bizarre questions:

What's the owl doing over the entry-way to Fuller???

[The owl is a lousy attempt to put a hex on Fuller Labs. As the story goes, the Civils were tired of being made fun of, so they hired a witch to put a spell on the CS's pride and joy - Fuller Labs. However, the witch was not very able in her spell casting, so she messed up a little. The original intent of the spell has long since been forgotten, but the effect still remains in the form of that silly owl. So, the moral of this story is, always hire a reputable witch when seeking revenge, or you'll lose all your pigeons.]

What are the Blue & Red "Safety Dots" doing on the lights in the ADP???

[Is this a trick question?]

Did you know that the funky gate in the stairwell of Fuller (between B & SB) is for fire-escape reasons... so people don't continue down to the Sub-basement in a fire...

[As most people know, human beings are basically large, not-quite-so-furry lemmings. Without proper guidance, they will flee to the lowest point available beneath the danger in question (unless a high and more dangerous one is available, ala every silly adventure/spy/mystery/thriller movie chase scene), and hence to their collective doom. This is known as the Lemming Effect, for reasons obvious to ornithologists. This gate, or person-oriented-so-you-don't-do-something-dumb-barrier (P. O. S. Y. D. D. S. D. B.), is designed to help those people who tend to run when danger threatens, but not necessarily in the right direction. It also prevents absentminded Computer Science majors from seeking escape within the building, since they often forget about the outside world. Just think of it as a "stairwell interrupt."]

Any bets on how long before the "Wall 'o cans" in the ADP office window will be complete??

[We're not geeks, so we don't spend much time in the lab. But, in the interest of humoring our readers, and trying to seem multi-majoral, we offer the following time index: 1 week, 7 days, 18 minutes, and 4.6645 hours until the wall 'o cans tumbles down like a fish in a clothes dryer on permanent press. Picture that, if you dare... (For inspiration in your continued wall building endeavors, we suggest visiting the famed wall 'o Snapple on Riley 1st. We've seen it from the outside, and it's quite amuzing...)]

What's the point of the Large-Expensive-Looking-Noise-Makers(LELNM) in the computer labs??

[These LELNMs are cleverly disguised furnaces for the ritual annihilation of 5 1/4 in. low density floppy disks. This ceremony takes place after lab hours, on the third Tuesday after the infernal eequynocks, after the homework for Operating Systems II is collected. Email bambi@friendly_forest.wpi.edu or see alt.sacrifice.disks.die.die.die for a schedule of times and events. Because of overwhelming turnouts of students and professors, we ask that you reserve your spot at least three eequynockses in advance. Thank you.]

How about a top 10 list of DAKA acronyms??

[We like the idea, but don't think that would be a very prudent idea right now. DAKA gets annoyed easily, and we don't want to end up in the soup. Besides, they still have not officially responded to last weeks article, or any other things that we've said in the past. Maybe someday.]

What's the deal with "torte's"??

[Please rephrase your question in the form of an answer...]

Loyal-Fan-Type-Person-With-Too-Much-Time-On-His-Hands-And-Also-Trying-To-Procrastinate-A-Home-Work-Assignment

(LFTPWTMTOHHAATTPAHWA)

-Brian

Niiiice acronym... Hey, it's longer than ours... Can he do that? Either way, we hope we've answered your questions in a logical manner, but you know, that never works with us...

So, we hope we have entertained/amused/thoroughly confused (poetic isn't it?) you with our maniacal antics. If you have any other important questions you need answered, send 'em to Philler c/o newspeak@wpi.wpi.edu.

Send your thoughts, observations, and questions to us at philler@philler.com...