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Pop Rocks and Oral Sex - Please watch your step

by Laurel and Guinevere

So let's get this straight. They close off the street with an angled barricade across the crosswalk for no apparent reason, so it's COMPLETELY handicapped INaccessible. Yup, we're back at WPI.

Some of you are probably asking yourself, "Haven't these two graduated by now?!?!?!" Well, originally we were trying to fail our classes so that we could stay on for another year or two writing these articles, but in the end, Kristen, our illustrious co-editor-in-chief (I. C. E. I. C.) said we could write even if we did graduate. ...Wish she would have told us this before we told all of our professors to fly upside-down in a trundle buggy with big boots on... (It made sense at the time. One of those "you had to be there" things...) ANYhow, we did "graduate" but are here once again. We were going to say "just like a nasty rash," but figured that would not be the best way to make new friends. So, for the record, we don't have rashes, nasty or otherwise, and we're completely up to date on our shots. So come on over...

Well, here is the latest installment in Philler's endless (proved by the above paragraph) quest for the oddest stuff going on around campus. This week's is all about something you probably have been wondering about yourselves: the closing of West Street. Sit back, lean forward, and enjoy...

Closing off the street looks like it's going to be a good thing (aside from having to fix the previously mentioned crosswalk a few days ago). It's very convenient to just be able to wander into the street without having to look out for those crazy Woostah drivers. However, the powers that be obviously do not possess our Depth of Vision(tm). We have two theories on the hitherto unexplored social implications of this major quad-wheeled-vehicular/bipedal-pedestrial relationship modification. [breathe here]

Pavlovian Lemming Self-Destruction theory:

People are creatures of habit. Not the Nun kind of habit, mind you, but that kind of habit where people do the same thing repeatedly, and repeatedly, even if it's not such a good idea. For example: mindlessly wandering across the pedestrian mall which so recently was known as West Street. This behaviour could very easily become similar to the aforementioned habit idea. What if this became a habit, and people started to mindlessly stroll into, say..., Interstate 290? This would be a good example of a habit that is "not such a good idea." The overall effect would be a marked decrease in the school population, added ease in getting into those popular classes that instantly fill up, and a significant increase in available parking spots. Hey, that's not such a bad idea after all...

Anti-Stoufferian (Darwin on Hotcakes) theory:

The elimination of the predator-prey relationship on West Street will result in a devastating population escalation (Dalmation plantation?). Science has documented time and again at many midwestern colleges, the undeniable fact that dead people rarely reproduce, so therefore, live people must reproduce more to make up the difference. From this we can interpolate that without the control device represented by the vehicular traffic presence on West Street, the students will utterly fail to die in secret and gruesome accidents. In truth, this lack of dying will result in a population explosion of epic proportions.

The advantages of this "tragedy" would be more tuition money from these new students (who would be given to foster parents with a "higher ability to pay" for their child's future WPI education). However good this would be for the institution, it would reflect badly in the male/female ratio, since it is a well known fact that guys are really dumb and get killed by those cars much more often than girls do.

Because of the media hype surrounding this dual theory thing, we are asking you the reader to write in and vote for your choice of theory (or submit your own if you are so inclined). Please don't call, because all OUR operators are out to lunch (yes, with us). You can, however, send e-mail to or write to Newspeak at WPI Box 2700 or visit our Web site and send Philler Pheedback.

By the way, have you ever used a mouse as a defibrillator? Ya know, that "CLEAR!" shocky zappy thingie that they use on E.R. (By the way, the mouse is the non-bio kind. The bio ones are far too messy to be used in that capacity.) Everybody got it? Good.

The movie's over, you can go home now...

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