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09/28/93 - Eggs and Hamsters - Who eats, and who gets eaten

Letter to the Editor: Ask not for whom the bell tolls...

02/08/94 - Strawberries and Whipped Cream - Why I get wet at WPI

02/15/94 - Pencils and Jello - What's Holding This Up?

02/22/94 - Oprah and Applesauce - And now a word from our fans

03/01/94 - Moats and Chicks - What's being served today?

03/29/94 - Lists and destiny - A smile without a cat

04/19/94 - Carbonless Paper and the Swiss Alps - The healthier alternative

04/26/94 - Toasted armadillos and the jon - How to balance the budget


08/30/94 - Coke Bottle Glasses and Chicken Little - Who's running the show?

09/07/94 - Blowup Dolls and Sharp Tacks - Closed for Remodeling

09/13/94 - Anchovies in the Petrolium Jelly - How did I get into this?

09/20/94 - Fog and the Dutch - Why am I muddy?

10/04/94 - Doughnuts and The Swamp Thing - What do you want on your Tombstone?

10/11/94 - Phone Calls and Blank Walls - Has Jack Frost been nipping at your... butt?

11/01/94 - Sabotage and Sodas - The Time has Come

11/08/94 - Ticket Stubs and Drinking - What's all the rush about?

11/15/94 - Flea Bites and Lounge Acts, Don't Touch That Dial

11/22/94 - Seagulls and Parking Lots - Do you really have to take this?

12/06/94 - Marching bands and pink balloons - You're getting verrrry sleepy...

12/13/94 - Merry Christmas or Seasons Greetings - Grab a PC and take off.

01/17/95 - Cartoons and Twinkies - Who's stuffing the ballot box?

01/24/95 - Feathers and Harbor Seals - What's that thing growing on your leg?!

01/31/95 - Four-wheelers and Telephone Poles - Who's been eating YOUR porridge?

02/07/95 - Fig Leaves and Pipe Cleaners - What are you doing in here?

02/21/95 - Cappuccino and Microchips - The Good Time Eating Place

02/28/95 - Dental Floss & Diaphragms - Trouble Brewing?

03/21/95 - Tangerines and Coffee Beans - Sleepless in New Jersey

03/28/95 - Top Hats and Hopscotch - Your one-stop bait and tackle store

04/04/95 - L. I. L. A. B. O. C. A. W. J. S. O. T. N. Y. F. I. T. W. B. T. Y. A. P. I. T. B. N. O. T. F. B. R. T. W. L. T. C. P. F. T. O. Y. W. F. T. S. Y. C. F. O. N. T. I. T. I. O. B. Y. F. T. O. Y. W. D. K. H. O. T. H. T. O. Y. V. C. R. W. I. H. U. A. A. S. . L. T. J. W. T. U. A. W. B. G. T. S. B. A. M. T. F. 1. I. O. M. S. A. O. T. L. T. W. A. W. T. D. T. H. O. W. R. W. L. Y. P. W. W. W. C. T. Y. A. O. T. D. A. A. V. E. R. O. Y. C. B. W. K. T. W. C. N. A. A. P. O. Y. H. Q. T. U. L. I. T. T. Y. G. S. O. Y. N. H. I. W. O. M. P. L. G. I. A. S. G. P. T. Y. N. T. Y. N. N. N. I. I. T. Y. U. L. G. B. T. T. A. T. R. A. L. B. O. A. W. H. A. A. N. W. W. H. A. R. A. A. R. C. A. C. N. W. C. A. P. P. C. A. N. P. P. C. M. A. W. E. I. L. N. R. C. C. H. H. A. W. W. A. T. T. S. I. T. W. R. R. R. W. Y. T. D. A. T. W. L. F. F. U. P. T. E. P. U. T. T. W. T. W. R. T. Y. N. R. P. T. W. Y. B. A. D. A. W. P. I. F. Y. B. F. M. S. D. E. O. Y. L. T. A. P. L. A. G. C. A. W. P. T. D. F. Y. F. C. O. S. D. D. F. C. S. A. F. N. J. D. S. K. T. E. A. S. W. O. S. S. D. A. E. W. T. P. C. W. U. W. G. A. F. T. O. R. A. B. Y. F. A. S. D. C. O. O. H. W. W. R. Y. T. Y. P. S. P. N. W. T. Y. - A new record

04/11/95 - Spandex and Harsh Abrasives - We don't do Windows

04/18/95 - Paper Bags and Sharp Sticks - What flavor would you like?

04/25/95 - Sponge Cake and Mrs. Butterworth - Some settling may occur during shipping


08/19/95 - Aardvarks and Toothpicks - Here's looking at you, kid.

08/29/95 - Pop Rocks and Oral Sex - Please watch your step

09/06/95 - Laserdisks and Fallen Angels - Who finished off the milk?!

09/12/95 - Cheez-Its and Deep Sea Fishing - Parrish the Thought

09/26/95 - Napkin Roses and Freckles - Nice guys read Dr. Seuss

10/03/95 - Laser Sights and Goats - Sorry, Worcester Joke...

10/10/95 - Cockroaches and Sack Fights - I'm sorry, my dentures must have slipped

10/31/95 - Paper Clips and Vegetarians - Do Whatever the Little Voices Tell You To Do

11/07/95 - Peanut Butter and Mel Tormei - Hey, Who Used All the Hot Water?!

11/14/95 - Hot Fudge and Cold Guns - Excuse me, there's a fly in my soup.

11/21/95 - Dairy Cows and a 6-Foot Threaded Rod - Kiss Me I'm Irish

12/05/95 - VCRs and Cannolies - Just point, click, and ship.

12/12/95 - Thick Socks and Bubble Baths - Sorry, Virginia...

01/16/96 - Shoehorns and a Pleasant Wedge - 'Nuff snow fer ya?

01/23/96 - Harsh Words and Sun Spots - The Gompei Chronicles

02/13/96 - Silly String and Lois Lane - Sounds Like a Title to Me

04/23/96 - Pickles and Pizza - No, no, no. He's just... pining...


04/22/97 - Natural Oils and Stolen Ideas - There's a Buddha on my Monitor


01/30/01 - Strained Peas and Intellectual Property - We Didn't Expect the Spanish Inquisition!

02/06/01 - Squirrels and Party Favors - Hey, babe, what's your sign?

02/13/01 - Charlie Sheen and Bean Paste - Anybody know what happened to the cat?

02/20/01 - Peaches and Spiny Chameleons - Did I leave the branding iron on?


Toasts and Shaving Cream - If you're the best man, why are you going stag?

09/04/01 - Boxers and Radishes - I want a standing ovation!

11/13/01 - Sardines and Diamondbacks - We agree to pause and rant

Carbonless Paper and the Swiss Alps - The healthier alternative

by Laurel

Well, here we are again. Haven't written since break because, well, it's spring time. Spring. The snow melts, the grass turns green, the birds do sing, and thoughts turn to nature, love, drag racing, and degree requirements. I believe that I can speak for all of us in saying that at least one of these things is important to each us as we make the final turn of the academic school year. And of course, chocolate.

As I send off the final papers to get financial aid, I see a deeper truth of WPI. Beyond all of the teaching, and testing, there is a universal bond which holds the school together: paperwork.

Sit down for a second and try to think how many times you've signed your name on a form this year. Now multiply that by how many years you've been at WPI. (For you freshmen out there, don't panic, it's supposed to be the same number. Neat, huh?) Think of how many copies of your signature that WPI has in a file cabinet somewhere. Scary isn't it? Why do they need all those signatures? Couldn't they just make one small booklet with everything you could possibly want to agree to during the school year and have you sign it once? That may require too many pages, and you'd probably have to press wicked hard, though...

Better yet, when you get your ID's, sign your name on a card. WPI can take all of those little cards and make everyone a personal signature stamp. Just like the pros. You'd have to remember to bring your little stamp to registration and such, but it couldn't be too bad. Of course, most of the people I know don't remember to bring a simple pen to sign those papers in the first place, much less a stamp. Anyway, let's try to figure this one out.

Right away when you apply to WPI, they make you sign the application. They could make your little stamp for you right there and then and hand it to you at orientation when you get your packet telling you your classes, room, and P.O. box combination. - Signature #1

Once you get accepted to WPI, I believe you have to sign your name saying that you accept to go here.

-Signature #2

Then comes the financial aid form. If there's one place that likes looking at your signature more than WPI, it's the government. Let's see you have a Preliminary FAF you have to sign. You have to do your taxes, so that would be once for National taxes, and once for State taxes. Then you get the real FAF which you have to sign. After they have everything, they send you a form back which has the answers you gave them and you have to verify that. That one you have to sign in two places. Then, along with photo copies of all of those things (you don't actually have to sign them again so we won't count those), WPI gives you one of those big folders with questions about your family and such, which look awfully similar to some of those previous government forms you had to sign - unnecessary I would think. You have to sign the back of that too. - Signatures #3, #4, #5, #6, #7, #8 and #9

Next, WPI sends you a list of the money they're willing to give you, and how much of that that you have to give back when you're done, or work off as work study. You have to agree to that. - Signature #10

Then there's the bill and the check. - Signatures #11 and #12

I think they normally check to make sure you didn't get any new scholarships since they last checked. Send in the blank sheet with your signature. - Signature #13

The letter from whoever is sponsoring your Standford loan wants your signature to admit that you will be indebted to them after you graduate, also. -Signature #14

If you wanted a Freshman record, I think you have to sign a form, and then another check. -Signatures #15 and #16

I know you have to sign another form and check if you want to rent one of those little regulation refrigerators. -Signatures #17 and #18

O.K. let's recap. You haven't even set foot at WPI yet, and already you've signed your name EIGHTEEN TIMES!!! Let's continue...

You get to WPI in the fall. If you live on campus (we'll pretend we do so we get a more impressive figure) you have to sign for your room keys. -Signature #19

Get your nifty neat, eight bucks if you lose it, WPI ID. Gotta sign the bottom so everyone can check this signature with the others. Make it neat. -Signature #20

If you got a Stafford loan, you have to get SOMEONE ELSES signature, and then sign another form. -Signature #21

Registration: Joy of joys. Sitting in the bleachers for hours so that you can sign papers. Get your section called and away you go: Hazing form - I won't even bother commenting on this importantly regarded slip of paper. The one that asks you what your local newspaper is - What is that for?!?!?!? The main one, I don't think you have to sign. -Signatures #22 and #23

Course changes? Sign your name for each one. -Your signature milage may vary...

Alright, we add in all of the housing lottery paperwork (four I believe, don't forget the reservation check), any workstudy forms, any miscellaneous papers, project applications, etc., etc...

Drum roll please... I get roughly 85 signatures by the time you graduate, and I'm sure you have to sign tons of stuff to graduate. I didn't include any course changes (like that would ever happen) or any Greek forms you'd have to sign, no change of project advisors, change of address forms, every single time you want to get a package from the mail room, the list goes on and on... Easily over 100 of your signatures are somewhere in WPI's files! I'm sure I've missed a lot too... I was right before about having to press wicked hard to get that 100th page of carbonless paper to get your signature. Especially the last part of your signature where it tends to draw into a straight line and go really light...

Now, imagine how much time you'd save if you have your handy - dandy - WPI - logo - on - the - handle - in - red - ink - when - our - school - color - is - maroon signature stamp. Just stamp, stamp, stamp, and you'd be done. Hey, WPI could just sign your name for you too... Couldn't be that hard, save everyone some time, and they'd probably like the prospects, too...

Point is they love paperwork. They love filing. They love making you sign a form to drop a project and another form to drop your PQP, only to fill out a new form to sign up for another project. They love making you pay at Boynton to get a little slip to go to another building to give them the slip to get another slip to go to the loading dock to get a package.

They love fines. If you drop a project that you never went to after it's over, they'll charge you a late fee. If you want to sign up early for a project in A term, they'll charge you an early fee. What's wrong with being EARLY? They must like to do last minute paperwork...

Tons and tons of paper. REGI helps. Starting to get a little less paper. What do they do? Print out little cards to give to everyone so they can use REGI!!! They've got to sneak that paperwork (and those little colored perforated cards, they love them too) in there somewhere, otherwise they don't feel complete. Paperless office? Not for WPI, not for a long time. They like using those tree things... Ink too. I don't know how to grow ink, so I can't comment on that part.

They like paperwork and fines and forms...

Speaking of forms, it's time to bring this week's Philler to a close and you know we love all of our readers very, very, much and we would love to take all of our readers out to fancy restaurants every week, but we don't know who you are, and you don't know who we are so the time must wait. In the mean time, Newspeak has published a little form of their own. Reader's poll. This entire article has been a shameless buttering up and leading to the point plug to vote for us for best Newspeak feature. Come on, I know no one turns 'em in until the last minute, so fill us in and send it in, and we'll see about the fancy restaurant thing. I know most of you want to write in "police log" but they haven't been very faithful to you either lately...

'Till our paths cross again...

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