Sardines and Diamondbacks - We agree to pause and rant
by Laurel and Guinevere
It's been going on for quite a while now. You see the signs all
around campus. A lot of people are confused, and many are upset. It
is enough to make you question your values. Yes, it would appear by
looking around that Mother Nature has completely lost her marbles.
Weeks ago, some trees turned bright colors and dropped their leaves
with more flair than a moth at a lumberjack convention. Meanwhile,
many other trees are still bright green and leafy to the hilt. The
big question is: Why is Mrs. N. haphazardly changing the tress so
haphazardly?
Many of you engineers are probably thinking how inefficient it is to
change the leaves in this manner. Why not simply change them all at
once? Or sequentially? Is she going senile? No, we're afraid it's
much worse than that. (To all of the CS's out there squirming in
your seats, no, it's not a really bad algorithm either.)
As you no doubt have noticed, there are more squirrels on campus than
you can shake a Twinkie at. And if you have yet to try that, we
recommend against it because they'll gang up on you and completely
de-Hostess you in 29 seconds flat. Cows trapped in a pool of
starving piranha would pause to laugh at you for trying.
Ah-hem. Anyhow, whenever a project gets delayed this long, and it's
logic is so backwards it has to make those warning beeps, it only
means one thing. You see, the squirrels decided to "help" Mother
Nature and formed a focus group to decide the tree changing order.
For those of you who have experienced the general efficiency of
committees, you know that we can expect to see leaves changing well
into February. By then, who knows, we might actually start winter.
Or is it spring?
When asked for comment, a representative from the Squirrel Local
Nut-Chewers Union #452 (S. L. N. C. U. #452) gave several sharp
squeaks, wiggled his tail in a suggestive (and rather rude!) manner,
nipped Laurel's ankle and took off. Nasty little bugger...
After digging through the pile of rubber chickens in the basement
last week, we finally found the password for our e-mail account. Low
and behold, among the pleathora of people wanting to sue us, we got
mail from an old phan, the one known as the Great Boigy!
"So there I was, egotistically searching phor my name on the net, and
what do I phind? Philler.com! Woo Hoo!! Philler was the only thing
ever worth reading in Newspeak! So a hearty "welcome back" to you,
iph you are indeed the original intrepid duo. And iph you aren't,
well, you'phe got a hard act to phollow. -The Great Boigy"
We're always happy to hear from people, especially those with such a
strong Philler accent. Glad to hear you're doing well, Boigy. And
now you'll have another line in your search results once we put this
article up on the site! Mouhahahahaha! Just another part in our
elaborate plan to take over Google! Oh, that was a secret. Don't
tell anyone, ok?
Before we wrap of this article, we'd like to say a little prayer for
the poor students who are still living in that RV parked behind the
library, patiently waiting for a room to open up in one of the dorms.
Good luck with that...
And remember, don't feed the squirrels.
Send your thoughts, observations, and questions to us at philler@philler.com...
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