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Sardines and Diamondbacks - We agree to pause and rant

by Laurel and Guinevere

It's been going on for quite a while now. You see the signs all around campus. A lot of people are confused, and many are upset. It is enough to make you question your values. Yes, it would appear by looking around that Mother Nature has completely lost her marbles.

Weeks ago, some trees turned bright colors and dropped their leaves with more flair than a moth at a lumberjack convention. Meanwhile, many other trees are still bright green and leafy to the hilt. The big question is: Why is Mrs. N. haphazardly changing the tress so haphazardly?

Many of you engineers are probably thinking how inefficient it is to change the leaves in this manner. Why not simply change them all at once? Or sequentially? Is she going senile? No, we're afraid it's much worse than that. (To all of the CS's out there squirming in your seats, no, it's not a really bad algorithm either.)

As you no doubt have noticed, there are more squirrels on campus than you can shake a Twinkie at. And if you have yet to try that, we recommend against it because they'll gang up on you and completely de-Hostess you in 29 seconds flat. Cows trapped in a pool of starving piranha would pause to laugh at you for trying.

Ah-hem. Anyhow, whenever a project gets delayed this long, and it's logic is so backwards it has to make those warning beeps, it only means one thing. You see, the squirrels decided to "help" Mother Nature and formed a focus group to decide the tree changing order. For those of you who have experienced the general efficiency of committees, you know that we can expect to see leaves changing well into February. By then, who knows, we might actually start winter. Or is it spring?

When asked for comment, a representative from the Squirrel Local Nut-Chewers Union #452 (S. L. N. C. U. #452) gave several sharp squeaks, wiggled his tail in a suggestive (and rather rude!) manner, nipped Laurel's ankle and took off. Nasty little bugger...

After digging through the pile of rubber chickens in the basement last week, we finally found the password for our e-mail account. Low and behold, among the pleathora of people wanting to sue us, we got mail from an old phan, the one known as the Great Boigy!

"So there I was, egotistically searching phor my name on the net, and what do I phind?! Woo Hoo!! Philler was the only thing ever worth reading in Newspeak! So a hearty "welcome back" to you, iph you are indeed the original intrepid duo. And iph you aren't, well, you'phe got a hard act to phollow. -The Great Boigy"

We're always happy to hear from people, especially those with such a strong Philler accent. Glad to hear you're doing well, Boigy. And now you'll have another line in your search results once we put this article up on the site! Mouhahahahaha! Just another part in our elaborate plan to take over Google! Oh, that was a secret. Don't tell anyone, ok?

Before we wrap of this article, we'd like to say a little prayer for the poor students who are still living in that RV parked behind the library, patiently waiting for a room to open up in one of the dorms. Good luck with that...

And remember, don't feed the squirrels.

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