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09/28/93 - Eggs and Hamsters - Who eats, and who gets eaten

Letter to the Editor: Ask not for whom the bell tolls...

02/08/94 - Strawberries and Whipped Cream - Why I get wet at WPI

02/15/94 - Pencils and Jello - What's Holding This Up?

02/22/94 - Oprah and Applesauce - And now a word from our fans

03/01/94 - Moats and Chicks - What's being served today?

03/29/94 - Lists and destiny - A smile without a cat

04/19/94 - Carbonless Paper and the Swiss Alps - The healthier alternative

04/26/94 - Toasted armadillos and the jon - How to balance the budget


08/30/94 - Coke Bottle Glasses and Chicken Little - Who's running the show?

09/07/94 - Blowup Dolls and Sharp Tacks - Closed for Remodeling

09/13/94 - Anchovies in the Petrolium Jelly - How did I get into this?

09/20/94 - Fog and the Dutch - Why am I muddy?

10/04/94 - Doughnuts and The Swamp Thing - What do you want on your Tombstone?

10/11/94 - Phone Calls and Blank Walls - Has Jack Frost been nipping at your... butt?

11/01/94 - Sabotage and Sodas - The Time has Come

11/08/94 - Ticket Stubs and Drinking - What's all the rush about?

11/15/94 - Flea Bites and Lounge Acts, Don't Touch That Dial

11/22/94 - Seagulls and Parking Lots - Do you really have to take this?

12/06/94 - Marching bands and pink balloons - You're getting verrrry sleepy...

12/13/94 - Merry Christmas or Seasons Greetings - Grab a PC and take off.

01/17/95 - Cartoons and Twinkies - Who's stuffing the ballot box?

01/24/95 - Feathers and Harbor Seals - What's that thing growing on your leg?!

01/31/95 - Four-wheelers and Telephone Poles - Who's been eating YOUR porridge?

02/07/95 - Fig Leaves and Pipe Cleaners - What are you doing in here?

02/21/95 - Cappuccino and Microchips - The Good Time Eating Place

02/28/95 - Dental Floss & Diaphragms - Trouble Brewing?

03/21/95 - Tangerines and Coffee Beans - Sleepless in New Jersey

03/28/95 - Top Hats and Hopscotch - Your one-stop bait and tackle store

04/04/95 - L. I. L. A. B. O. C. A. W. J. S. O. T. N. Y. F. I. T. W. B. T. Y. A. P. I. T. B. N. O. T. F. B. R. T. W. L. T. C. P. F. T. O. Y. W. F. T. S. Y. C. F. O. N. T. I. T. I. O. B. Y. F. T. O. Y. W. D. K. H. O. T. H. T. O. Y. V. C. R. W. I. H. U. A. A. S. . L. T. J. W. T. U. A. W. B. G. T. S. B. A. M. T. F. 1. I. O. M. S. A. O. T. L. T. W. A. W. T. D. T. H. O. W. R. W. L. Y. P. W. W. W. C. T. Y. A. O. T. D. A. A. V. E. R. O. Y. C. B. W. K. T. W. C. N. A. A. P. O. Y. H. Q. T. U. L. I. T. T. Y. G. S. O. Y. N. H. I. W. O. M. P. L. G. I. A. S. G. P. T. Y. N. T. Y. N. N. N. I. I. T. Y. U. L. G. B. T. T. A. T. R. A. L. B. O. A. W. H. A. A. N. W. W. H. A. R. A. A. R. C. A. C. N. W. C. A. P. P. C. A. N. P. P. C. M. A. W. E. I. L. N. R. C. C. H. H. A. W. W. A. T. T. S. I. T. W. R. R. R. W. Y. T. D. A. T. W. L. F. F. U. P. T. E. P. U. T. T. W. T. W. R. T. Y. N. R. P. T. W. Y. B. A. D. A. W. P. I. F. Y. B. F. M. S. D. E. O. Y. L. T. A. P. L. A. G. C. A. W. P. T. D. F. Y. F. C. O. S. D. D. F. C. S. A. F. N. J. D. S. K. T. E. A. S. W. O. S. S. D. A. E. W. T. P. C. W. U. W. G. A. F. T. O. R. A. B. Y. F. A. S. D. C. O. O. H. W. W. R. Y. T. Y. P. S. P. N. W. T. Y. - A new record

04/11/95 - Spandex and Harsh Abrasives - We don't do Windows

04/18/95 - Paper Bags and Sharp Sticks - What flavor would you like?

04/25/95 - Sponge Cake and Mrs. Butterworth - Some settling may occur during shipping


08/19/95 - Aardvarks and Toothpicks - Here's looking at you, kid.

08/29/95 - Pop Rocks and Oral Sex - Please watch your step

09/06/95 - Laserdisks and Fallen Angels - Who finished off the milk?!

09/12/95 - Cheez-Its and Deep Sea Fishing - Parrish the Thought

09/26/95 - Napkin Roses and Freckles - Nice guys read Dr. Seuss

10/03/95 - Laser Sights and Goats - Sorry, Worcester Joke...

10/10/95 - Cockroaches and Sack Fights - I'm sorry, my dentures must have slipped

10/31/95 - Paper Clips and Vegetarians - Do Whatever the Little Voices Tell You To Do

11/07/95 - Peanut Butter and Mel Tormei - Hey, Who Used All the Hot Water?!

11/14/95 - Hot Fudge and Cold Guns - Excuse me, there's a fly in my soup.

11/21/95 - Dairy Cows and a 6-Foot Threaded Rod - Kiss Me I'm Irish

12/05/95 - VCRs and Cannolies - Just point, click, and ship.

12/12/95 - Thick Socks and Bubble Baths - Sorry, Virginia...

01/16/96 - Shoehorns and a Pleasant Wedge - 'Nuff snow fer ya?

01/23/96 - Harsh Words and Sun Spots - The Gompei Chronicles

02/13/96 - Silly String and Lois Lane - Sounds Like a Title to Me

04/23/96 - Pickles and Pizza - No, no, no. He's just... pining...


04/22/97 - Natural Oils and Stolen Ideas - There's a Buddha on my Monitor


01/30/01 - Strained Peas and Intellectual Property - We Didn't Expect the Spanish Inquisition!

02/06/01 - Squirrels and Party Favors - Hey, babe, what's your sign?

02/13/01 - Charlie Sheen and Bean Paste - Anybody know what happened to the cat?

02/20/01 - Peaches and Spiny Chameleons - Did I leave the branding iron on?


Toasts and Shaving Cream - If you're the best man, why are you going stag?

09/04/01 - Boxers and Radishes - I want a standing ovation!

11/13/01 - Sardines and Diamondbacks - We agree to pause and rant

Four-wheelers and Telephone Poles - Who's been eating YOUR porridge?

by Laurel and Guinevere


Yes, it's that time again...! Well, maybe "again" is not the exact right word, since we have never done this sort of thing before, but hey - if we're not picky, you shouldn't be. We just thought that now would be a great time to give our version of the State of the Union Address. Since our world is basically WPI and its environs, we decided to skip the rest of the world and just go for what's happening around here.

When President Clinton gave his (hour and a half long!) speech last week, he concentrated (using the term loosely) on those things that were done in the past year, and on that which he hopes to accomplish in the coming one. We, on the other hand, are not going to be here next year, so we don't think that the second half really suits us. However, we can make suggestions for those who will be here, and maybe they will get done. Who knows, we might have such - wonderful - brainstorms - that - will - cause - sweeping - changes - throughout - the - campus - that - they - will - love - and - revere - us - for - all - time - and - maybe - even - dedicate - a - room - to - us (S. W. B. T. W. C. S. C. T. T. C. T. T. W. L. A. R. U. F. A. T. A. M. E. D. A. R. T. U.). Hey, did you notice the words "tame dart" in that one? Neat. We didn't even intend that one. Honest. (We also broke the record with 29 letters!)

[This is a complete aside, and has nothing to do with the State of the School Address, but we thought that is was really neat anyway, so we decided to include it.] Here's a fun game: take all those letters that we just used for the E. L. W. A. (extra - long - winded - acronym -- a term invented by our good friend "Jean Claude Van Dan") and try to make a personal ad from them. You may add whatever words are necessary to make it (1) funny, and (2) sensible. If you have no idea what we are talking about, then obviously you have (1) lived in a tunafish can for your entire life, or (2) have a girlfriend(s) and/or boyfriend(s) and don't read the personals. For those who fit either of these categories, we offer the following example of what a personal could be: SWF seeks SBM for S&M, B&D, and M.O.U.S.E. Get the picture? Good. The only rule is that you must use all the letters in the order that they appear above. Send your entries to us ASAP!

DISCLAIMER: We the writers of this column wish to express our sincere apologies for the previous paragraph. We did not, and do not, condone any of the activities suggested, implied, or otherwise, with any member of the rodent family. If you were in any way confused or suggested by the contents of the paragraph, then you are quite obviously much more sick and twisted than we are. -- THE MANAGEMENT

...and now back to our regularly scheduled program...


Gee, um, where do we start? We didn't really watch Clinton's address, but rather the "State of the Union Undressed" with Dennis Miller. Hey, actually that was probably better preparation than we first thought. Hmmm, but there is a fundamental difference: Miller was out to make fun of the president and other such sundry politicians, while we are just going to talk about what has been done since we started writing Philler, and what we would like to see. Maybe we should make this week an introduction, let you guys send in some of your concerns and ideas for the future of this institution, and *then* we'll get to the actual address. How does that sound? ... We're waiting... Are you going to respond? Oh, yeah, this is not a real conversation, just a newspaper article. Gee, I guess the Prozak is kicking in already.

See, we are still on this write - to - us - and - tell - us - what - you - are - thinking - with - regard - to absolutely - anything - in - the - world - and - we'll - discuss - it (W. T. U. A. T. U. W. Y. A. T. W. R. T. A. A. I. T. W. A. W. D. I.). Wow, two E. L. W. A.s in one article! Gee, what will the censors think? (BTW, did you notice the preponderance of Ts, Ws, and As in that one?) We really want to know what you think. We know that we're totally crazy, and that sometimes we don't have much of a clue. Therefore we want some input from you, the reader. What do you want for the future here at Whoopie Tech? We'd like to compile a list of things that you think have gone well, and things that haven't; things that should be done, and things that shouldn't; and things that, if they happened, you would kiss an aardvark to avoid having them happen to you again.

CAMPUS ALERT! We here at Philler Newz now take a moment to bring you this newz of monumental importance: the campus is being taken over (quite slowly, but it's happening) by mutants. These seemingly innocent looking creatures are nothing to be trifled with. They are very dangerous. We first learned about their existence from a very confidential and highly classified report from one of our field operatives. The letter follows...

I was wondering if you have noticed the new pewter light fixture outside of Gom[p]ies? It seems to have grown on the wall during our break, in a similar manner to the ivy which adorns the Riley walls of Riley hall.

p.s. Could I please have a certificate if you decide to run this comment, I know just the spot to hang it in.

Brian Parker

Right now they may seem innocent enough, since their current victims are only small, nocturnal, flying insects. However, for every little bug that falls into their electric snare of death, their desire for more juicy bits grows exponentially until they have enough energy to transmute into a larger and much more hideous form... What are they? We don't know, but we know that they are quite dangerous. Right now, there are only a few of them, but once they get a little larger they will be able to start breeding, and that's when the problem starts. They are soooo loud when they start doing that. Don't ask us how we know - just take our word for it. We have to stop them before they get out of control! We have to keep them in check before they start to make as much noise as the guys downstairs from us... If you have any information regarding these creatures (eating habits beyond bugs, location of new ones, etc.) please contact us. Remember, it costs nothing to write us a letter (unlike "Gadsen Flag" who makes you mail to a Worcester PO Box - my, someone's paranoid of his own opinion) - we are not affiliated in any way with the federal government; those lovely people who brought you the 32 cent stamp. Honest. You can trust us... [insert picture of Laurel and Guinevere smiling *that* smile just one more time]

Sorry, this next part is absolutely necessary. Well, not really, but we think that sometimes we have to give in to our inner children and make fun of someone who definitely deserves it. If you have not yet guessed, we are talking about "Gadsen Flag" again. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, our pal and yours, the guy who's obsessed with the librarian. From the details in your article, it is pretty obvious that you are a member of SGA. Why don't you just go to their meetings and make your point there? I'm sure they'd love to hear your opinions, wink wink. Before we get into the "hiding behind pseudonyms" thing, think about this: we use the names because they are funny, not to hide. We are responsible about what we say, and always ask for feedback to our proposals and our opinions. We'll make you an offer you can't refuse [said in Godfather voice]: If you publish your real name, we'll do the same. See, it's a sale: 2 for 1. (Don't get any ideas - we don't work at the library.)

BTW, the ratio of "hard uncomfortable chairs to soft comfortable chairs" in the library is 4.4658437 to 1. Keep the beer. Love and Sloppy Wet Kisses, L & G

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