Philler HomeArticlesPhanClubLettersToolsStoreHistory



09/28/93 - Eggs and Hamsters - Who eats, and who gets eaten

Letter to the Editor: Ask not for whom the bell tolls...

02/08/94 - Strawberries and Whipped Cream - Why I get wet at WPI

02/15/94 - Pencils and Jello - What's Holding This Up?

02/22/94 - Oprah and Applesauce - And now a word from our fans

03/01/94 - Moats and Chicks - What's being served today?

03/29/94 - Lists and destiny - A smile without a cat

04/19/94 - Carbonless Paper and the Swiss Alps - The healthier alternative

04/26/94 - Toasted armadillos and the jon - How to balance the budget


08/30/94 - Coke Bottle Glasses and Chicken Little - Who's running the show?

09/07/94 - Blowup Dolls and Sharp Tacks - Closed for Remodeling

09/13/94 - Anchovies in the Petrolium Jelly - How did I get into this?

09/20/94 - Fog and the Dutch - Why am I muddy?

10/04/94 - Doughnuts and The Swamp Thing - What do you want on your Tombstone?

10/11/94 - Phone Calls and Blank Walls - Has Jack Frost been nipping at your... butt?

11/01/94 - Sabotage and Sodas - The Time has Come

11/08/94 - Ticket Stubs and Drinking - What's all the rush about?

11/15/94 - Flea Bites and Lounge Acts, Don't Touch That Dial

11/22/94 - Seagulls and Parking Lots - Do you really have to take this?

12/06/94 - Marching bands and pink balloons - You're getting verrrry sleepy...

12/13/94 - Merry Christmas or Seasons Greetings - Grab a PC and take off.

01/17/95 - Cartoons and Twinkies - Who's stuffing the ballot box?

01/24/95 - Feathers and Harbor Seals - What's that thing growing on your leg?!

01/31/95 - Four-wheelers and Telephone Poles - Who's been eating YOUR porridge?

02/07/95 - Fig Leaves and Pipe Cleaners - What are you doing in here?

02/21/95 - Cappuccino and Microchips - The Good Time Eating Place

02/28/95 - Dental Floss & Diaphragms - Trouble Brewing?

03/21/95 - Tangerines and Coffee Beans - Sleepless in New Jersey

03/28/95 - Top Hats and Hopscotch - Your one-stop bait and tackle store

04/04/95 - L. I. L. A. B. O. C. A. W. J. S. O. T. N. Y. F. I. T. W. B. T. Y. A. P. I. T. B. N. O. T. F. B. R. T. W. L. T. C. P. F. T. O. Y. W. F. T. S. Y. C. F. O. N. T. I. T. I. O. B. Y. F. T. O. Y. W. D. K. H. O. T. H. T. O. Y. V. C. R. W. I. H. U. A. A. S. . L. T. J. W. T. U. A. W. B. G. T. S. B. A. M. T. F. 1. I. O. M. S. A. O. T. L. T. W. A. W. T. D. T. H. O. W. R. W. L. Y. P. W. W. W. C. T. Y. A. O. T. D. A. A. V. E. R. O. Y. C. B. W. K. T. W. C. N. A. A. P. O. Y. H. Q. T. U. L. I. T. T. Y. G. S. O. Y. N. H. I. W. O. M. P. L. G. I. A. S. G. P. T. Y. N. T. Y. N. N. N. I. I. T. Y. U. L. G. B. T. T. A. T. R. A. L. B. O. A. W. H. A. A. N. W. W. H. A. R. A. A. R. C. A. C. N. W. C. A. P. P. C. A. N. P. P. C. M. A. W. E. I. L. N. R. C. C. H. H. A. W. W. A. T. T. S. I. T. W. R. R. R. W. Y. T. D. A. T. W. L. F. F. U. P. T. E. P. U. T. T. W. T. W. R. T. Y. N. R. P. T. W. Y. B. A. D. A. W. P. I. F. Y. B. F. M. S. D. E. O. Y. L. T. A. P. L. A. G. C. A. W. P. T. D. F. Y. F. C. O. S. D. D. F. C. S. A. F. N. J. D. S. K. T. E. A. S. W. O. S. S. D. A. E. W. T. P. C. W. U. W. G. A. F. T. O. R. A. B. Y. F. A. S. D. C. O. O. H. W. W. R. Y. T. Y. P. S. P. N. W. T. Y. - A new record

04/11/95 - Spandex and Harsh Abrasives - We don't do Windows

04/18/95 - Paper Bags and Sharp Sticks - What flavor would you like?

04/25/95 - Sponge Cake and Mrs. Butterworth - Some settling may occur during shipping


08/19/95 - Aardvarks and Toothpicks - Here's looking at you, kid.

08/29/95 - Pop Rocks and Oral Sex - Please watch your step

09/06/95 - Laserdisks and Fallen Angels - Who finished off the milk?!

09/12/95 - Cheez-Its and Deep Sea Fishing - Parrish the Thought

09/26/95 - Napkin Roses and Freckles - Nice guys read Dr. Seuss

10/03/95 - Laser Sights and Goats - Sorry, Worcester Joke...

10/10/95 - Cockroaches and Sack Fights - I'm sorry, my dentures must have slipped

10/31/95 - Paper Clips and Vegetarians - Do Whatever the Little Voices Tell You To Do

11/07/95 - Peanut Butter and Mel Tormei - Hey, Who Used All the Hot Water?!

11/14/95 - Hot Fudge and Cold Guns - Excuse me, there's a fly in my soup.

11/21/95 - Dairy Cows and a 6-Foot Threaded Rod - Kiss Me I'm Irish

12/05/95 - VCRs and Cannolies - Just point, click, and ship.

12/12/95 - Thick Socks and Bubble Baths - Sorry, Virginia...

01/16/96 - Shoehorns and a Pleasant Wedge - 'Nuff snow fer ya?

01/23/96 - Harsh Words and Sun Spots - The Gompei Chronicles

02/13/96 - Silly String and Lois Lane - Sounds Like a Title to Me

04/23/96 - Pickles and Pizza - No, no, no. He's just... pining...


04/22/97 - Natural Oils and Stolen Ideas - There's a Buddha on my Monitor


01/30/01 - Strained Peas and Intellectual Property - We Didn't Expect the Spanish Inquisition!

02/06/01 - Squirrels and Party Favors - Hey, babe, what's your sign?

02/13/01 - Charlie Sheen and Bean Paste - Anybody know what happened to the cat?

02/20/01 - Peaches and Spiny Chameleons - Did I leave the branding iron on?


Toasts and Shaving Cream - If you're the best man, why are you going stag?

09/04/01 - Boxers and Radishes - I want a standing ovation!

11/13/01 - Sardines and Diamondbacks - We agree to pause and rant

Strained Peas and Intellectual Property: We Didn't Expect the Spanish Inquisition!


It has come to our attention that this paper needs some Philler. So here we are. The voices in our heads demand that they be unleashed upon the unsuspecting public. (mwahahaha) But maybe it's just the chilli talkin'...

Before we go any further, we want to thank our fans for bringing the present situation to our attention. And for requesting that we come out of retirement to defend the Phantastic, Phenomenal, Pheromonal Philler name. Plus, this is just fun. Never forget to have fun.

Since our last article (1996), one or two or fifty things have happened around campus without our writing about them. But We-Who-Live-Within-The-Sound-Of-The-Bells (W.W.L.W.T.S.O.T.B.) thought we'd share a bit of our "insight" with all of you.

It is often said that imitation is the most sincere form of flattery. Well, Gwen's mom always said everyone has a right to their opinion. (She's crazy you know. Crazy as an earthworm in army boots. Did we ever tell you about the time she put antifreeze in the cat's water, "so it won't be thirsty when it's cold outside"? *sigh* I miss that cat. At least she's still useful as a doorstop. Then there was the time when... Oh, yeah, right. Sorry Gwen.)

We interrupt this article to send a shout out to "anonymous girl." Thanks for being a good sport, and remember: keep slouching...

Like we said in our last article, we would remain in hibernation until the completion of the third tower. Hey! just like the spiney-bottomed locust. (Mmm, locust burgers...) Speaking of burgers, we hear that Burger King is moving into the new campus center. If so, goody-goody.

Picture it: Opening day. Streamers. A band. Paper crowns. Mad ribbon cutters running amuck with scissors. A melancholy President Parrish looking wistfully out the window at the heavily guarded backhoe...

This is what we've been waiting for. Well, actually we're still waiting for the letter in the mail informing us that we have been given the naming rights to the building. Still waiting. "The Laurel and Guinevere Memorial Campus Center" (T.L.A.G.M.C.C.) -- has a good ring to it, don'cha think?

Hey, wait., then we'd have to be dead. How about: "Laurel and Guinevere's Outstanding Ontological Niche"? That way we could call it the L.A.G.O.O.N. You know, like beans. Everyone loves beans. Did you know a peanut is a lagoon, too?

Okay, if we can't have the *entire* campus center, how about one little part of it? Might we suggest naming the elevator "Laurel and Guinevere's Wild Ride"? Give us a call, we'll work it out.

At any rate, Laurel is looking forward to practicing her yodelling in front of a live audience, with proper lighting for once. Guinevere, on the other hand, will be lecturing on the spin property of elementary particles. Surprisingly, there are still plenty of tickets available...

So what did we learn today, kiddies? We learned that peanuts are lagoons. We learned that there are members of the Philler Phan Club still alive and kicking. (*ouch!*) And finally we learned that the key to life is ham. Really good ham, like Keystone!

So until the next time duty calls, or boredom calls, or nature calls, or we hear the ghostly whispers of C. E. Riley telling us more stories about "campus centers," we remain your disobedient servants

L. & G.

P.S. Oh, and to the person who wrote into "The Philler" last week, if you still want a genuine Phan Club certificate, we'd be happy to correct our oversight. Just say the word (thunderbird).

P.P.S. Hey, Matthew Michelle Lug, did you ever get your ID fixed?

As always, we can be reached at our new address:

Send your thoughts, observations, and questions to us at