Strained Peas and Intellectual Property: We Didn't Expect the Spanish Inquisition!
by LAUREL AND GUINEVERE (dammit)
It has come to our attention that this paper needs some Philler. So here we are. The voices in our heads demand that they be unleashed upon the unsuspecting public. (mwahahaha) But maybe it's just the chilli talkin'...
Before we go any further, we want to thank our fans for bringing the present situation to our attention. And for requesting that we come out of retirement to defend the Phantastic, Phenomenal, Pheromonal Philler name. Plus, this is just fun. Never forget to have fun.
Since our last article (1996), one or two or fifty things have happened around campus without our writing about them. But We-Who-Live-Within-The-Sound-Of-The-Bells (W.W.L.W.T.S.O.T.B.) thought we'd share a bit of our "insight" with all of you.
It is often said that imitation is the most sincere form of flattery. Well, Gwen's mom always said everyone has a right to their opinion. (She's crazy you know. Crazy as an earthworm in army boots. Did we ever tell you about the time she put antifreeze in the cat's water, "so it won't be thirsty when it's cold outside"? *sigh* I miss that cat. At least she's still useful as a doorstop. Then there was the time when... Oh, yeah, right. Sorry Gwen.)
We interrupt this article to send a shout out to "anonymous girl." Thanks for being a good sport, and remember: keep slouching...
Like we said in our last article, we would remain in hibernation until the completion of the third tower. Hey! just like the spiney-bottomed locust. (Mmm, locust burgers...) Speaking of burgers, we hear that Burger King is moving into the new campus center. If so, goody-goody.
Picture it: Opening day. Streamers. A band. Paper crowns. Mad ribbon cutters running amuck with scissors. A melancholy President Parrish looking wistfully out the window at the heavily guarded backhoe...
This is what we've been waiting for. Well, actually we're still waiting for the letter in the mail informing us that we have been given the naming rights to the building. Still waiting. "The Laurel and Guinevere Memorial Campus Center" (T.L.A.G.M.C.C.) -- has a good ring to it, don'cha think?
Hey, wait., then we'd have to be dead. How about: "Laurel and Guinevere's Outstanding Ontological Niche"? That way we could call it the L.A.G.O.O.N. You know, like beans. Everyone loves beans. Did you know a peanut is a lagoon, too?
Okay, if we can't have the *entire* campus center, how about one little part of it? Might we suggest naming the elevator "Laurel and Guinevere's Wild Ride"? Give us a call, we'll work it out.
At any rate, Laurel is looking forward to practicing her yodelling in front of a live audience, with proper lighting for once. Guinevere, on the other hand, will be lecturing on the spin property of elementary particles. Surprisingly, there are still plenty of tickets available...
So what did we learn today, kiddies? We learned that peanuts are lagoons. We learned that there are members of the Philler Phan Club still alive and kicking. (*ouch!*) And finally we learned that the key to life is ham. Really good ham, like Keystone!
So until the next time duty calls, or boredom calls, or nature calls, or we hear the ghostly whispers of C. E. Riley telling us more stories about "campus centers," we remain your disobedient servants
L. & G.
P.S. Oh, and to the person who wrote into "The Philler" last week, if you still want a genuine Phan Club certificate, we'd be happy to correct our oversight. Just say the word (thunderbird).
P.P.S. Hey, Matthew Michelle Lug, did you ever get your ID fixed?
As always, we can be reached at our new address: philler@philler.com
Send your thoughts, observations, and questions to us at philler@philler.com...
| 
