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09/28/93 - Eggs and Hamsters - Who eats, and who gets eaten

Letter to the Editor: Ask not for whom the bell tolls...

02/08/94 - Strawberries and Whipped Cream - Why I get wet at WPI

02/15/94 - Pencils and Jello - What's Holding This Up?

02/22/94 - Oprah and Applesauce - And now a word from our fans

03/01/94 - Moats and Chicks - What's being served today?

03/29/94 - Lists and destiny - A smile without a cat

04/19/94 - Carbonless Paper and the Swiss Alps - The healthier alternative

04/26/94 - Toasted armadillos and the jon - How to balance the budget


08/30/94 - Coke Bottle Glasses and Chicken Little - Who's running the show?

09/07/94 - Blowup Dolls and Sharp Tacks - Closed for Remodeling

09/13/94 - Anchovies in the Petrolium Jelly - How did I get into this?

09/20/94 - Fog and the Dutch - Why am I muddy?

10/04/94 - Doughnuts and The Swamp Thing - What do you want on your Tombstone?

10/11/94 - Phone Calls and Blank Walls - Has Jack Frost been nipping at your... butt?

11/01/94 - Sabotage and Sodas - The Time has Come

11/08/94 - Ticket Stubs and Drinking - What's all the rush about?

11/15/94 - Flea Bites and Lounge Acts, Don't Touch That Dial

11/22/94 - Seagulls and Parking Lots - Do you really have to take this?

12/06/94 - Marching bands and pink balloons - You're getting verrrry sleepy...

12/13/94 - Merry Christmas or Seasons Greetings - Grab a PC and take off.

01/17/95 - Cartoons and Twinkies - Who's stuffing the ballot box?

01/24/95 - Feathers and Harbor Seals - What's that thing growing on your leg?!

01/31/95 - Four-wheelers and Telephone Poles - Who's been eating YOUR porridge?

02/07/95 - Fig Leaves and Pipe Cleaners - What are you doing in here?

02/21/95 - Cappuccino and Microchips - The Good Time Eating Place

02/28/95 - Dental Floss & Diaphragms - Trouble Brewing?

03/21/95 - Tangerines and Coffee Beans - Sleepless in New Jersey

03/28/95 - Top Hats and Hopscotch - Your one-stop bait and tackle store

04/04/95 - L. I. L. A. B. O. C. A. W. J. S. O. T. N. Y. F. I. T. W. B. T. Y. A. P. I. T. B. N. O. T. F. B. R. T. W. L. T. C. P. F. T. O. Y. W. F. T. S. Y. C. F. O. N. T. I. T. I. O. B. Y. F. T. O. Y. W. D. K. H. O. T. H. T. O. Y. V. C. R. W. I. H. U. A. A. S. . L. T. J. W. T. U. A. W. B. G. T. S. B. A. M. T. F. 1. I. O. M. S. A. O. T. L. T. W. A. W. T. D. T. H. O. W. R. W. L. Y. P. W. W. W. C. T. Y. A. O. T. D. A. A. V. E. R. O. Y. C. B. W. K. T. W. C. N. A. A. P. O. Y. H. Q. T. U. L. I. T. T. Y. G. S. O. Y. N. H. I. W. O. M. P. L. G. I. A. S. G. P. T. Y. N. T. Y. N. N. N. I. I. T. Y. U. L. G. B. T. T. A. T. R. A. L. B. O. A. W. H. A. A. N. W. W. H. A. R. A. A. R. C. A. C. N. W. C. A. P. P. C. A. N. P. P. C. M. A. W. E. I. L. N. R. C. C. H. H. A. W. W. A. T. T. S. I. T. W. R. R. R. W. Y. T. D. A. T. W. L. F. F. U. P. T. E. P. U. T. T. W. T. W. R. T. Y. N. R. P. T. W. Y. B. A. D. A. W. P. I. F. Y. B. F. M. S. D. E. O. Y. L. T. A. P. L. A. G. C. A. W. P. T. D. F. Y. F. C. O. S. D. D. F. C. S. A. F. N. J. D. S. K. T. E. A. S. W. O. S. S. D. A. E. W. T. P. C. W. U. W. G. A. F. T. O. R. A. B. Y. F. A. S. D. C. O. O. H. W. W. R. Y. T. Y. P. S. P. N. W. T. Y. - A new record

04/11/95 - Spandex and Harsh Abrasives - We don't do Windows

04/18/95 - Paper Bags and Sharp Sticks - What flavor would you like?

04/25/95 - Sponge Cake and Mrs. Butterworth - Some settling may occur during shipping


08/19/95 - Aardvarks and Toothpicks - Here's looking at you, kid.

08/29/95 - Pop Rocks and Oral Sex - Please watch your step

09/06/95 - Laserdisks and Fallen Angels - Who finished off the milk?!

09/12/95 - Cheez-Its and Deep Sea Fishing - Parrish the Thought

09/26/95 - Napkin Roses and Freckles - Nice guys read Dr. Seuss

10/03/95 - Laser Sights and Goats - Sorry, Worcester Joke...

10/10/95 - Cockroaches and Sack Fights - I'm sorry, my dentures must have slipped

10/31/95 - Paper Clips and Vegetarians - Do Whatever the Little Voices Tell You To Do

11/07/95 - Peanut Butter and Mel Tormei - Hey, Who Used All the Hot Water?!

11/14/95 - Hot Fudge and Cold Guns - Excuse me, there's a fly in my soup.

11/21/95 - Dairy Cows and a 6-Foot Threaded Rod - Kiss Me I'm Irish

12/05/95 - VCRs and Cannolies - Just point, click, and ship.

12/12/95 - Thick Socks and Bubble Baths - Sorry, Virginia...

01/16/96 - Shoehorns and a Pleasant Wedge - 'Nuff snow fer ya?

01/23/96 - Harsh Words and Sun Spots - The Gompei Chronicles

02/13/96 - Silly String and Lois Lane - Sounds Like a Title to Me

04/23/96 - Pickles and Pizza - No, no, no. He's just... pining...


04/22/97 - Natural Oils and Stolen Ideas - There's a Buddha on my Monitor


01/30/01 - Strained Peas and Intellectual Property - We Didn't Expect the Spanish Inquisition!

02/06/01 - Squirrels and Party Favors - Hey, babe, what's your sign?

02/13/01 - Charlie Sheen and Bean Paste - Anybody know what happened to the cat?

02/20/01 - Peaches and Spiny Chameleons - Did I leave the branding iron on?


Toasts and Shaving Cream - If you're the best man, why are you going stag?

09/04/01 - Boxers and Radishes - I want a standing ovation!

11/13/01 - Sardines and Diamondbacks - We agree to pause and rant

Top Hats and Hopscotch - Your one-stop bait and tackle store

by Laurel and Guinevere

Well, it's been another week here at WPI. D term seems to be going very quickly for some reason. We think is has something to do with the unusually high amount of starch in the air, but we aren't scientists, so we'll move on... For some, this may seem like a good thing since school is almost done for the year, but for others (seniors mostly) this is very, very bad... The end of the senior year D term means job hunting, apartment hunting, or trying to find a graduate school to rescue you from the impending "real world." Not like "MTV's Real World," mind you, where you're in a free, gigantic, modern apartment living with people who are complete opposites of you and some faceless guy who videotapes your every move at odd angles and shows his tapes to people all over the country. No, we're talking "Worcester's Real World" which (for good reasons) is much less publicized.

First off, unless you're planning on moving back home or living behind a statue somewhere, you will need to find an apartment. If at all possible, leave this job to someone else since it is a royal pain in the pituey. What part of the body is the pituey anyhow? I don't think it's short for pituitary gland, but who knows... So you're looking for an apartment: one which you can afford, yet not below the standard of living of most subway rodents. [Hey! I finally saw one of those cute little mousy - rodent - thingies (M. R. T.s) running around the tracks in a Boston T station! - Guinevere] You may find yourself living in a cardboard box, and you may ask yourself, "Well, how do I get out of here?"

The secret to finding an apartment, aside from being wholly unlike that of Kellogg's Frosted Flakes, is: call, call, call... No matter where you call, however, you will not talk to a living, breathing person (or tigers). Get ready to say repeatedly into the answering machine, "This is (insert interesting fake name of your devising here). I need AN APARTMENT!!! Please call me at 1-800-NO-HOUSE." For the truly enterprising young engineer, make a machine to leave messages on their machines so you can do something far more exciting, such as blindfolded naked baseball (on a steeeck)...

If they ever call you back, party like it's 1959! You get to look at the place! Maybe... Hopefully, there aren't too many people moving in with you because you'll never be able to get everyone together at the same time; kinda like when the Mongols invaded China, but having not so much to do with horses. So, when you get inside the place, be sure to ask the following questions:

10. Do you check the criminal records of your tenants?

9. Do any of the current occupants come with the apartment?

8. Do you think they'd mind if I take this CD? I've been looking for it everywhere.

7. Would it be possible to do some minor alterations, such as moving the building 16" N. N. W.?

6. Are the tenants downstairs single?

5. Can I bring my pet elephant? He's mostly toilet trained...

4. If we accidentally burn down the house, do we still get our security deposit back? After all, it would look like an accident...

3. This place comes standard with a mud wrestling pit, right?

2. If we kidnapped some of the local kids, how long do you think we could keep them before their mothers start looking?

1. Do we get rent cuts for.. special favors?

On second thought, don't ask these unless you're sure that you DON'T want the apartment, as some of these questions are liable to get you arrested, slapped, or possibly deported. We suggest that you think of stupid things of your own to say to the person whom you hope will come and fix your water heater in the dead of winter...

Now that you've seen the place, and a dozen others, it's probably time to sit down, relax, think about what you've seen, and chase all that down with a beer for every apartment... Take a sip for: every window frame that rattles, every room that has only one electrical outlet, every time the landlord says "This place is insulated, you know...," every dark and scary stairway you have to walk up to see your possible future abode, every person you see carrying an illegal firearm or other instrument of mayhem on the way to the place, and every time you feel it necessary to wipe you feet... when you *leave* the apartment.

OK, now that you're drunk, pick one... This method will guarantee that (1) you will get a great apartment, because drunk people always have much better taste than sober people, and (2) that you will have an excuse if the place smells somewhat akin to the final resting place of Jimmy Hoffa.

We ourselves have not gotten beyond this point in the process, so we don't know exactly what happens now. We do, however, know that everything we stated above is absolutely true for 99 44/100 % of the places in this area, so be sure to take notes...

And now for something - which - you - all - must - have - known - was - coming, - but - were - thinking - that - maybe - you - could - get - away - from - it - for - just - one - week, - but - aren't - really - surprised - that - we're - doing - it - now, - and - will - read - it - as - soon - as - we - get - through - with - this - extra - long - winded - acronym. (S. W. Y. A. M. H. K. W. C. B. W. T. T. M. Y. C. G. A. F. I. F. J. O. W. B. A. R. S. T. W. D. I. N. A. W. R. I. A. S. A. W. G. T. W. T. E. L. W. A.) Yay, a new world record: 48! And now on to the letter...

Geez, with all the letters you guys get, it seems like you've become the "GS Grams" for WPI...taking all the students' complaints.

-PatrickD & Tom Servo on Phounders Phirst Philler Phans Phorever

PS: You gals should come up with your own scavenger hunt for QuadFest...with real cool stuff to find and some neat prizes. I bet you could get some sort of funding for a Philler Phind.

What a great idea! Anyone on the QuadFest Committee interested in sponsoring such a thing? We would make up the list of things to scavenge, handle all the publicity, but check with you people for prizes, etc. If anyone is interested in helping us out (that means you committee people), or would like to participate in the hunt, please write. Imagine the envy of others when they see you sporting a PPC T-shirt, or something...

Well, we hope that you have been enlightened with our super helpful and very accurate description of apartment hunting. If you actually use any of our suggestions, please write to us and we'll try to help get you out of jail... Also, if anyone has any horror stories from the real world, please send them to us at Box 2700 or Until next week, peace, love, and corndogs (on a steeek...).


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