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Squirrels and Party Favors - Hey, babe, what's your sign?

by Laurel and Guinevere

Well, since last week we've received several... how shall we say... "interesting" letters about last week's come-back article. Perhaps the most disturbingly excited phan was Pat, who wrote, "It's too good to be true! I have to pee!" It's letters like this which warm our hearts... and then compel us to barricade the doors and wonder if we're really attracting the right kind of phans. Maybe we've been "accidentally" including subliminal messages in our column... and then again, maybe not... [insert sly look here]

Although one of our new phans, Catherine, wrote, "Your article sounded damn fine to me," some of our veteran fans remain skeptical (read, this young lady is questioning our righteousismitude):

Dear Laurel and Guinevere,

I hate to be critical, but according to Webster's Ninth New Collegiate Dictionary, a lagoon is: 1. a shallow sound, channel, or pond near or communicating with a larger body of water, or 2. a shallow artificial pool or pond (as for the processing of sewage or storage of a liquid). On the other hand, the same dictionary defines a legume as: 1. the fruit or seed of leguminous plants (as peas or beans) used for food... (ok, this is a long definition and I'm sick of typing it, but I think my point has been made).

Therefore, I think your proposed name for the Campus Center should be changed from Laurel and Gunievere's Outstanding Ontological Niche (L.A.G.O.O.N.) to Laurel 'en Guinevere's Unequivocally Magnificent Edifice (L.E.G.U.M.E.).

I must point out that my dictionary has a copyright date of 1984. I'm sure if Webster was still in the practice of numbering his dictionaries, he'd probably be up to his Twenty-fifth New Collegiate Dictionary by now. If I could get my hands on that book, I'm sure I'd find that a lagoon is now a bean.

Since I am an esteemed member of your phan club from long, long ago I was wondering if instead of sending a certificate, you could make a donation to my "buy a new dictionary" fund.


Dear, "Kristen." We always enjoy hearing from our phans, especially those that keep us on all 21 of our toes. With this in mind, Laurel disappeared for *six whole minutes!* and returned triumphantly waving our 70 lb. copy of Webster's New Universal Unabridged Dictionary - Deluxe Second Edition (ooooh). The pain went away as soon as the doctor popped Laurel's shoulder back into place; then we were ready to investigate this verbal discrepancy properly. Now, we don't want to name drop, but we knew Webster back when he was doing his TV show. In our autographed edition (ooh, ahh), it appears that he scribbled out the erroneous definition, and in handwriting that looks remarkably like Laurel's, wrote, "La*goon, n. [From Qv. & Tm. Pachyadermea foodum chrunchiesky] a peanut. Pl. lagoonea. Usage. My, these lagoons are tasty!" However, we respect research, and since you obviously need a new dictionary, we'll look into finding contributors for your dictionary fund. Besides, you came up with the phrase "Unequivocally Magnificent Edifice," and although we're not quite sure what you mean by that, it sounds like a compliment and, quite frankly, compliments will get you everywhere with us. Especially if given with a chocolate-covered-[insert-just-about-anything-here]-chaser (C. C. [I. J. A. A. H.] C.).

So maybe you're sitting there reading this article, or maybe you're not sitting, but running around in circles scraping imaginary bugs off of you, and you're wondering, "Who are these people?" "What else have they written?" "What's with the random acronyms all over the place (R. A. A. O. T. P)?" "What's this glowing rash on the back of my forehead?" Have no fear, for most of these questions can now be answered...

Announcing the brand new, never been seen before last week, Philler website at Yes, with the help of our new phan, Tim, we've stumbled onto the .com bandwagon. What could people that keep a nine-toed monkey in their basement put on a website, you say? We have the 52 articles we've written so far, letters people have sent to us, our Phan Club listings in no particular order, and the history of Philler.

We also have tools that will help Phillers-In-Training learn how to write acronyms that will make administrators choke, and generate random phrases that will make you as happy as a snake in a log rolling contest. (Not all phrases suitable for all occasions - some may only be used in private and others only during informal bris ceremonies.)

Last but not least, we have merchandise. Some of you have actually asked for it, so now you're going to get it. We always enjoy pleasing our phans (some more-so than others) so we're selling everything at cost. And more stuff on the way! (Manager's Note: Caution. "Philler: The Phlame Thrower" may cause fires if handled properly. Not for use in wooded areas.)

Well, it's getting late, we're punchy, and it's time for ice cream. So, keep the letters coming - we love questions, comments, observations, and general weirdness. Be sure to check out the new website!

Send your thoughts, observations, and questions to us at