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09/28/93 - Eggs and Hamsters - Who eats, and who gets eaten

Letter to the Editor: Ask not for whom the bell tolls...

02/08/94 - Strawberries and Whipped Cream - Why I get wet at WPI

02/15/94 - Pencils and Jello - What's Holding This Up?

02/22/94 - Oprah and Applesauce - And now a word from our fans

03/01/94 - Moats and Chicks - What's being served today?

03/29/94 - Lists and destiny - A smile without a cat

04/19/94 - Carbonless Paper and the Swiss Alps - The healthier alternative

04/26/94 - Toasted armadillos and the jon - How to balance the budget


08/30/94 - Coke Bottle Glasses and Chicken Little - Who's running the show?

09/07/94 - Blowup Dolls and Sharp Tacks - Closed for Remodeling

09/13/94 - Anchovies in the Petrolium Jelly - How did I get into this?

09/20/94 - Fog and the Dutch - Why am I muddy?

10/04/94 - Doughnuts and The Swamp Thing - What do you want on your Tombstone?

10/11/94 - Phone Calls and Blank Walls - Has Jack Frost been nipping at your... butt?

11/01/94 - Sabotage and Sodas - The Time has Come

11/08/94 - Ticket Stubs and Drinking - What's all the rush about?

11/15/94 - Flea Bites and Lounge Acts, Don't Touch That Dial

11/22/94 - Seagulls and Parking Lots - Do you really have to take this?

12/06/94 - Marching bands and pink balloons - You're getting verrrry sleepy...

12/13/94 - Merry Christmas or Seasons Greetings - Grab a PC and take off.

01/17/95 - Cartoons and Twinkies - Who's stuffing the ballot box?

01/24/95 - Feathers and Harbor Seals - What's that thing growing on your leg?!

01/31/95 - Four-wheelers and Telephone Poles - Who's been eating YOUR porridge?

02/07/95 - Fig Leaves and Pipe Cleaners - What are you doing in here?

02/21/95 - Cappuccino and Microchips - The Good Time Eating Place

02/28/95 - Dental Floss & Diaphragms - Trouble Brewing?

03/21/95 - Tangerines and Coffee Beans - Sleepless in New Jersey

03/28/95 - Top Hats and Hopscotch - Your one-stop bait and tackle store

04/04/95 - L. I. L. A. B. O. C. A. W. J. S. O. T. N. Y. F. I. T. W. B. T. Y. A. P. I. T. B. N. O. T. F. B. R. T. W. L. T. C. P. F. T. O. Y. W. F. T. S. Y. C. F. O. N. T. I. T. I. O. B. Y. F. T. O. Y. W. D. K. H. O. T. H. T. O. Y. V. C. R. W. I. H. U. A. A. S. . L. T. J. W. T. U. A. W. B. G. T. S. B. A. M. T. F. 1. I. O. M. S. A. O. T. L. T. W. A. W. T. D. T. H. O. W. R. W. L. Y. P. W. W. W. C. T. Y. A. O. T. D. A. A. V. E. R. O. Y. C. B. W. K. T. W. C. N. A. A. P. O. Y. H. Q. T. U. L. I. T. T. Y. G. S. O. Y. N. H. I. W. O. M. P. L. G. I. A. S. G. P. T. Y. N. T. Y. N. N. N. I. I. T. Y. U. L. G. B. T. T. A. T. R. A. L. B. O. A. W. H. A. A. N. W. W. H. A. R. A. A. R. C. A. C. N. W. C. A. P. P. C. A. N. P. P. C. M. A. W. E. I. L. N. R. C. C. H. H. A. W. W. A. T. T. S. I. T. W. R. R. R. W. Y. T. D. A. T. W. L. F. F. U. P. T. E. P. U. T. T. W. T. W. R. T. Y. N. R. P. T. W. Y. B. A. D. A. W. P. I. F. Y. B. F. M. S. D. E. O. Y. L. T. A. P. L. A. G. C. A. W. P. T. D. F. Y. F. C. O. S. D. D. F. C. S. A. F. N. J. D. S. K. T. E. A. S. W. O. S. S. D. A. E. W. T. P. C. W. U. W. G. A. F. T. O. R. A. B. Y. F. A. S. D. C. O. O. H. W. W. R. Y. T. Y. P. S. P. N. W. T. Y. - A new record

04/11/95 - Spandex and Harsh Abrasives - We don't do Windows

04/18/95 - Paper Bags and Sharp Sticks - What flavor would you like?

04/25/95 - Sponge Cake and Mrs. Butterworth - Some settling may occur during shipping


08/19/95 - Aardvarks and Toothpicks - Here's looking at you, kid.

08/29/95 - Pop Rocks and Oral Sex - Please watch your step

09/06/95 - Laserdisks and Fallen Angels - Who finished off the milk?!

09/12/95 - Cheez-Its and Deep Sea Fishing - Parrish the Thought

09/26/95 - Napkin Roses and Freckles - Nice guys read Dr. Seuss

10/03/95 - Laser Sights and Goats - Sorry, Worcester Joke...

10/10/95 - Cockroaches and Sack Fights - I'm sorry, my dentures must have slipped

10/31/95 - Paper Clips and Vegetarians - Do Whatever the Little Voices Tell You To Do

11/07/95 - Peanut Butter and Mel Tormei - Hey, Who Used All the Hot Water?!

11/14/95 - Hot Fudge and Cold Guns - Excuse me, there's a fly in my soup.

11/21/95 - Dairy Cows and a 6-Foot Threaded Rod - Kiss Me I'm Irish

12/05/95 - VCRs and Cannolies - Just point, click, and ship.

12/12/95 - Thick Socks and Bubble Baths - Sorry, Virginia...

01/16/96 - Shoehorns and a Pleasant Wedge - 'Nuff snow fer ya?

01/23/96 - Harsh Words and Sun Spots - The Gompei Chronicles

02/13/96 - Silly String and Lois Lane - Sounds Like a Title to Me

04/23/96 - Pickles and Pizza - No, no, no. He's just... pining...


04/22/97 - Natural Oils and Stolen Ideas - There's a Buddha on my Monitor


01/30/01 - Strained Peas and Intellectual Property - We Didn't Expect the Spanish Inquisition!

02/06/01 - Squirrels and Party Favors - Hey, babe, what's your sign?

02/13/01 - Charlie Sheen and Bean Paste - Anybody know what happened to the cat?

02/20/01 - Peaches and Spiny Chameleons - Did I leave the branding iron on?


Toasts and Shaving Cream - If you're the best man, why are you going stag?

09/04/01 - Boxers and Radishes - I want a standing ovation!

11/13/01 - Sardines and Diamondbacks - We agree to pause and rant

Peanut Butter and Mel Tormei - Hey, Who Used All the Hot Water?!

by Laurel and Guinevere

In the interest of saving space, we have decided that we will print this week's article in 4 point type. Unfortunately, the editors of Newspeak have this thing that says all the articles have to appear the same way. We suggested that the entire paper be reduced to post-card size (just because we gotta save space), but, of course, no one listened to us. (Not the first time, either. We're almost beginning to get suspicious...) So, just to prove a point (because we gotta save space) we are going to ask all of our readers (both of you) to open the paper to whatever page we're on, and have a friend, or a not-quite-so-hostile enemy, move about six feet away (with the paper, silly). This should produce the effect we are looking for. Remember to save space <-- This is vitally important! We can't disclose exactly why right now, but trust us. Have we ever lied to you before? (Besides that ONE time. Oh, and that other one doesn't count - it wasn't our fault.)

...and now for something completely different - fan mail:

From: Brian Thomas Parker

i was in the library today (sunday the 29th) and i noticed that the clocks were still an hour ahead (daylight wasting time?). because congress mandates daylight savings to protect little kiddies at the bus-stop, this seems to mean that the library is breaking the law. worse, we might all be breaking the law by looking at the clocks and thinking, even for a brief moment, that they are correct. do i have anything to worry about, do i need to contact a good lawer yet? can i collect for pain and suffering if i end up being early to a meeting because of the clocks?

i am a confused island of sanity in an insane place, you are my only hope for salvation.


Um, does this strike anyone else as strange - Brian's coming to us, because we're the only hope of saving him from insanity. Does he even read the insanity (read, crap) that we write every week? Hey, we aim to please, sooo....

Because of the strangeness of this question/comment, and our own unique sense of what we generally call humor, we've decided on a rather unorthodox method of answering Brian's question: Choose-Your-Own-Answer.

  • You know, people who uncover conspiracies often end up dead.

  • No, Brian. We've gotta save SPACE, not time.

  • [read in old newsreel scientist voice] You see, Brian, because of the rotation of what we like to call the Earth, our angle of declination toward what we like to call the inner galactic plane prevents cosmic rays from intercepting the cesium atoms in the official Earth time keeping device, thus creating a cascade effect, and twice a year (for reasons we cannot explain) produces the phenomenon that we like to call daylight savings time. The library, because of the "ribs" on the posterior exterior face, functions as a quasi-Newtonian blue space modulator, and thus scrambles the cosmic rays like an egg in the hot Tennessee sun. Any questions?

  • Brian. You're an engineer. Figure it out for yourself.

  • We have absolutely no idea. It's just a WPI thing.
...and the sixth strangest thing to catch your roommate doing: plucking his/her palms...

Ok. Laurel wants to type something now, so I am going to get up from the computer. Brace yourselves...

The other day, all of the workstudy checks came in. Have you ever followed the directions for opening your check? Chances are, no one has. Besides the fact of us being engineers and we don't read directions, the directions are physically impossible without external help. Take a look at one of them. On the short side of the check it says, "Remove this edge first." This direction is also on the other short side of the check. Now how can you remove *both* short sides at the same time? We're working on a little machine to do just that, and hopefully there will be a reward for our troubles.

Our theory is that if you follow directions, you will be rewarded, and your check amount will double. Payroll doesn't want you to know this, and since they don't want to have to pay this amount if people do it accidentally, they've decided to make the directions so difficult that no one will bother. Here's what ya do: until we've created our Philler - Check - Opening - Both - Sides - At - The - Same - Time - To - Get - Your - Double - Check - Amount - Check - Opener (P. C. O. B. S. A. T. S. T. T. G. Y. D. C. A. C. O.), go to payroll and demand that they open your check for you. Make sure they do it correctly, and if the double amount doesn't show up, they must have opened it wrong on purpose. Demand the double value anyway. We're "terribly sorry" about releasing this information, Payroll, but this conspiracy has gone on for far too long.

Well, we think we've caused enough damage for one week. Join us next time when you'll hear us say, "...but that's the way you do it in Tibet."

Send your thoughts, observations, and questions to us at