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09/28/93 - Eggs and Hamsters - Who eats, and who gets eaten

Letter to the Editor: Ask not for whom the bell tolls...

02/08/94 - Strawberries and Whipped Cream - Why I get wet at WPI

02/15/94 - Pencils and Jello - What's Holding This Up?

02/22/94 - Oprah and Applesauce - And now a word from our fans

03/01/94 - Moats and Chicks - What's being served today?

03/29/94 - Lists and destiny - A smile without a cat

04/19/94 - Carbonless Paper and the Swiss Alps - The healthier alternative

04/26/94 - Toasted armadillos and the jon - How to balance the budget


08/30/94 - Coke Bottle Glasses and Chicken Little - Who's running the show?

09/07/94 - Blowup Dolls and Sharp Tacks - Closed for Remodeling

09/13/94 - Anchovies in the Petrolium Jelly - How did I get into this?

09/20/94 - Fog and the Dutch - Why am I muddy?

10/04/94 - Doughnuts and The Swamp Thing - What do you want on your Tombstone?

10/11/94 - Phone Calls and Blank Walls - Has Jack Frost been nipping at your... butt?

11/01/94 - Sabotage and Sodas - The Time has Come

11/08/94 - Ticket Stubs and Drinking - What's all the rush about?

11/15/94 - Flea Bites and Lounge Acts, Don't Touch That Dial

11/22/94 - Seagulls and Parking Lots - Do you really have to take this?

12/06/94 - Marching bands and pink balloons - You're getting verrrry sleepy...

12/13/94 - Merry Christmas or Seasons Greetings - Grab a PC and take off.

01/17/95 - Cartoons and Twinkies - Who's stuffing the ballot box?

01/24/95 - Feathers and Harbor Seals - What's that thing growing on your leg?!

01/31/95 - Four-wheelers and Telephone Poles - Who's been eating YOUR porridge?

02/07/95 - Fig Leaves and Pipe Cleaners - What are you doing in here?

02/21/95 - Cappuccino and Microchips - The Good Time Eating Place

02/28/95 - Dental Floss & Diaphragms - Trouble Brewing?

03/21/95 - Tangerines and Coffee Beans - Sleepless in New Jersey

03/28/95 - Top Hats and Hopscotch - Your one-stop bait and tackle store

04/04/95 - L. I. L. A. B. O. C. A. W. J. S. O. T. N. Y. F. I. T. W. B. T. Y. A. P. I. T. B. N. O. T. F. B. R. T. W. L. T. C. P. F. T. O. Y. W. F. T. S. Y. C. F. O. N. T. I. T. I. O. B. Y. F. T. O. Y. W. D. K. H. O. T. H. T. O. Y. V. C. R. W. I. H. U. A. A. S. . L. T. J. W. T. U. A. W. B. G. T. S. B. A. M. T. F. 1. I. O. M. S. A. O. T. L. T. W. A. W. T. D. T. H. O. W. R. W. L. Y. P. W. W. W. C. T. Y. A. O. T. D. A. A. V. E. R. O. Y. C. B. W. K. T. W. C. N. A. A. P. O. Y. H. Q. T. U. L. I. T. T. Y. G. S. O. Y. N. H. I. W. O. M. P. L. G. I. A. S. G. P. T. Y. N. T. Y. N. N. N. I. I. T. Y. U. L. G. B. T. T. A. T. R. A. L. B. O. A. W. H. A. A. N. W. W. H. A. R. A. A. R. C. A. C. N. W. C. A. P. P. C. A. N. P. P. C. M. A. W. E. I. L. N. R. C. C. H. H. A. W. W. A. T. T. S. I. T. W. R. R. R. W. Y. T. D. A. T. W. L. F. F. U. P. T. E. P. U. T. T. W. T. W. R. T. Y. N. R. P. T. W. Y. B. A. D. A. W. P. I. F. Y. B. F. M. S. D. E. O. Y. L. T. A. P. L. A. G. C. A. W. P. T. D. F. Y. F. C. O. S. D. D. F. C. S. A. F. N. J. D. S. K. T. E. A. S. W. O. S. S. D. A. E. W. T. P. C. W. U. W. G. A. F. T. O. R. A. B. Y. F. A. S. D. C. O. O. H. W. W. R. Y. T. Y. P. S. P. N. W. T. Y. - A new record

04/11/95 - Spandex and Harsh Abrasives - We don't do Windows

04/18/95 - Paper Bags and Sharp Sticks - What flavor would you like?

04/25/95 - Sponge Cake and Mrs. Butterworth - Some settling may occur during shipping


08/19/95 - Aardvarks and Toothpicks - Here's looking at you, kid.

08/29/95 - Pop Rocks and Oral Sex - Please watch your step

09/06/95 - Laserdisks and Fallen Angels - Who finished off the milk?!

09/12/95 - Cheez-Its and Deep Sea Fishing - Parrish the Thought

09/26/95 - Napkin Roses and Freckles - Nice guys read Dr. Seuss

10/03/95 - Laser Sights and Goats - Sorry, Worcester Joke...

10/10/95 - Cockroaches and Sack Fights - I'm sorry, my dentures must have slipped

10/31/95 - Paper Clips and Vegetarians - Do Whatever the Little Voices Tell You To Do

11/07/95 - Peanut Butter and Mel Tormei - Hey, Who Used All the Hot Water?!

11/14/95 - Hot Fudge and Cold Guns - Excuse me, there's a fly in my soup.

11/21/95 - Dairy Cows and a 6-Foot Threaded Rod - Kiss Me I'm Irish

12/05/95 - VCRs and Cannolies - Just point, click, and ship.

12/12/95 - Thick Socks and Bubble Baths - Sorry, Virginia...

01/16/96 - Shoehorns and a Pleasant Wedge - 'Nuff snow fer ya?

01/23/96 - Harsh Words and Sun Spots - The Gompei Chronicles

02/13/96 - Silly String and Lois Lane - Sounds Like a Title to Me

04/23/96 - Pickles and Pizza - No, no, no. He's just... pining...


04/22/97 - Natural Oils and Stolen Ideas - There's a Buddha on my Monitor


01/30/01 - Strained Peas and Intellectual Property - We Didn't Expect the Spanish Inquisition!

02/06/01 - Squirrels and Party Favors - Hey, babe, what's your sign?

02/13/01 - Charlie Sheen and Bean Paste - Anybody know what happened to the cat?

02/20/01 - Peaches and Spiny Chameleons - Did I leave the branding iron on?


Toasts and Shaving Cream - If you're the best man, why are you going stag?

09/04/01 - Boxers and Radishes - I want a standing ovation!

11/13/01 - Sardines and Diamondbacks - We agree to pause and rant

Seagulls and Parking Lots - Do you really have to take this?

by Laurel and Guinevere

Hello, hello, hello. We're back again. Gee, so are you. Curious thing, this newspaper idea. Do We really have anything "new" to talk about? Sometimes I doubt it, but then again, if anyone else comes up with some of this silly stuff We'd be really worried.

Our first little tidbit, thingy, ... whatever, is from Ellis H. Bougiouris, and, uh, We'll just let you see for yourself. And for the editors of Newspeak, remember, We didn't write this. We'd never make fun of Our beloved host-type-thing Newspeak.

From the home office in Founders 307, the Top Ten Potential Names For Newspeak

Drum roll Anton...

10) Weekly Who Cares
9) A Bunch of Full Page Ads For Free
8) Police Log and Stuff
7) Philler Page 6, Nuff Said
6) Career Opportunities - Fishing in Alaska
5) Only Four Months to the April Fools Edition
4) Your Yearly Campus Center Update
3) The AGD Classifieds (We just love our pledges)
2) The Stephen Brown Complaintant
1) The Adam DePrince Chronicles (I wonder what he is doing now)

Although this may seem somewhat negative and pessimistic, what do you want, we've been here for 3+ years.

Gee, We're really grateful for the plug, but why the heck are We only number seven? Maybe, just maybe, you won't get a certificate. At least not until you fix your grievous error...

Well, this week We received mail from the Presidential Search Committee, well, not addressed to Philler, everyone got one, but you know what We mean... We've been asked to send in Our "comments, suggestions, and nominations" but instead of sending them to the Search Committee and keeping them confidential, We're going to tell EVERYONE!!! Mouhaha...

Cory Jobe! Cory Jobe! We want "The Man." Who can resist that cute little goatee of his... And he's been here forever so he probably knows more about this school than any one person combined... Can the president also be an RA? Would that be favoritism? Ah, who cares... Cory's the best choice. He's intelligent, cute, charismatic, and We know how to control him like a little rag doll... Mouhaha...

Cory, or should We say, President Jobe, if you accept Our nomination, please write to Us. The school needs you, Cory. Don't disappoint Us, Mr. Jobe. We have power on this campus.

NEWS FLASH! Ladies and Gentlemen, boys and girls, Frat brothers of all ages, Freeman Plaza has been completed. No, really. We're not kidding. It's done. It looks pretty cool, despite it's oddities. It was worth the wait. Now we have something that looks quite nice, albeit a little sandy, right in the middle of campus. We've heard some disturbing things about the trees, but hey, you can't do everything right. One question, or maybe two. What happened to the fountain idea? Could it be that they could not find an artist skilled enough to immortalize in stone our likeness? We really thought that a Philler fountain would heighten the aesthetic grandeur of the Plaza. Actually, you could probably still put it up on the big ole block of stone. Hmmm, maybe they are going to do that for a [winter holiday of your choice here] present... Awww, would that be nice of them... [sigh]

Lately we've been hearing some disturbing rumors that some of Our readers don't believe that We exist. Aside from the illogical nature of such a thought, since We obviously DO exist, otherwise you wouldn't be able to read Our articles, We consider it blasphemy. Blasphemy! Do you hear me?! (We've always wanted to use the word blasphemy in an article, and now We did. Doesn't it sound cool? We think so.) Anyway, the rumors are undoubtedly false. We do exist, like it or not. We demand that We may or may not be using Our real names. Oh, sure, some of you computer whizzes (read geeks) have already tried to find Our names somewhere on the system. Unlike some previous "anonymous" article writers, We don't use Our login names (ala Joger). Foolish people. Do you think that We would be so dumb as to be caught by The System? Maybe Our real names are Laurel and Guinevere, but We use false ones for all of Our legal documents. Life is funny that way, isn't it?

Did you ever wonder what God looks like? Does He have a long, white beard? Does He have a deep, booming voice? Is He surrounded by an incredibly bright light? Does She wear flats or pumps? Well, We've been thinking. There is so much speculation about what We really look like, if We're really girls (the nerve!), and other such silly bits. You'll never know what God looks like until you die, if you're good, that is, but you may know what We look like right now. Maybe you don't know Us, but you've got a picture in your head. We'd like to give you the opportunity to express your creative mind, and draw, sketch, render, or finger-paint Us in the Classical style of your choice. The winner may or may not be submitted to the sculpter for permanent casting in stone for Freeman Plaza. You'd even get your name carved on the statue's base... Cool, huh?

NOTE: This artistic opportunity does not apply to anyone who really knows who We are. Well, if you really want to, you may, but We probably won't give Our identities away just yet. Maybe never. Yeah, We just might fail all Our classes on purpose just so that We can be here forever. Wouldn't you just love that? We know DAKA would...

Image this: you sending Us some neat-o stuff. Do it. You know you want to. Just email Us at Send your ideas of what We look like to Newspeak box 2700, unless your mural or statue cannot fit into the little box, then just drop it off at Newspeak's office in the basement of Riley hall. All entries are not guaranteed publication. In fact, if they're not flattering, then We won't print them at all... unless they are exceptionally funny, of course.

Oh, by the way, check out Our neat little addition. Thanks to Newspeak for putting Us on the World Wide Web. You can check out all of Our previous issues, or at least you will be able to soon. Now you can read Philler anywhere you can log in. Our guess is that it will take at least another week before We have an immense following in Southern Chile. Imagine that... Hey, maybe We should run for President of the Institute... We wouldn't become corrupt. Us? Never. (Gee, do you think that the Career Development Center would help Us to realize our career goals?)

Send your thoughts, observations, and questions to us at