Doughnuts and The Swamp Thing - What do you want on your Tombstone?

Ha, just kidding. It was kind of amuzing to open the paper and happen across that club corner. Sniff, it's always nice to know that we have phans... Our guess is that Amy Plack wrote that one, but we're sick of plugging her in our articles, so end of story.

Anyhow, Disturbing-Thought-For -The-Day (DTFTD): Go into DAKA's "The Grill," and look at their new hanging signs. Their marketing strategy seems to be rather disturbing, if not down right gross. They have this sign that innocently says "the grill" on it, accompanied by a very nice graphic. Whereas larger companies, at least those with money for a real ad campaign such as Burger King, accompany the image of "grilling" with flame broiled, juicy hamburgers, DAKA seems to have taken the wrong definition from Webster's Complete and Unabridged Dictionary, somehow connecting the image of the front end of an automobile with their cooking style. Apparently they have committed the ultimate marketing sin: they told the hideous truth. Could this be some sort of Freudian slip? A sick joke? A bizarre, real-life reference to Roadkill Cafe? Could this in any way, even in the cosmic sense, be good for business? Some where, out there, there is a mildly rich graphic artist laughing his or her buttocks off in the Bahamas.

[NOTE: Although we really like comments from other people, especially devoted phans and "avid readers," enough with the squirrels. I mean, they're cute and all, but they aren't THAT exciting - not enough for three, count them, three consecutive issues. We actually have yet another letter from someone about the little critters, but we ain't a gonna print it... no offence to the author, but we'll wait to use it when we need filler for our Philler.]

Usually when we write this column, we just go over the things that happened to us in the past week, and report them as is - yes, our lives are that surreal. Laurel just laughed at that, but it's true. This week, however, was just sooo screwed up, that nothing truly stands out... at least not anything we are willing to tell.

Um, how about... nyah... that's not a good idea. You sickos might actually try that one... We may just have a fun experiment for all of you next week, if all goes well, but no guarantees. Here's a hint: it may result in legal actions against an on-campus business, but no more than that for now... (Ooo, this is almost as exciting as that "Al Capone's vault" thing...)

Comfy chairs are nice.

Ahhh, running out of ideas... which means it's time for a top ten list.

Top Ten Signs that You're Running out of Ideas:

• 10. You say "um" a lot.
• 9. You worry that you're too stressed out and may be going sane.
• 8. Pancakes, pancakes, pancakes.
• 7. You giggle a lot, unfortunately for no specific reason.
• 6. You wait patiently for DAKA time, so you can have something to do.
• 5. You attempt to call in sick, but realize too late that you don't have a job.
• 4. Things that really don't make sense, start to.
• 3. You make top ten lists to disguise all of the above.
• 2. You can't even think of ten things to fill the darn list.

Great, we're still stuck with little in our brains to write about. How about more silly things around campus... yeah, we haven't fully exhausted that one yet. If the door from the Gompeii's function room to the Riley stairwell is supposed to be kept closed at all times, since it just happens to be alarmed, why does it get propped open so often? We're not complaining, since, personally, we don't care, but it's just a thing we noticed... imagine that.

What are those odd looking metal things, other wise known as sculptures? It doesn't take a lot of hunting around (unlike some of our previous "go and find this thing" messages), just walk to the library, or the front of Fuller. We're not sure what they are supposed to symbolize, but odds are that they cost a lot of money. They're just big rusty pieces of metal stuck in the ground, and called "art." Don't get us wrong, they're neat, but just really obscure, and we can't seem to figure out how they relate to "The WPI Plan."

As usual, we have a few theories on this...

First of all, the one near the library, which will henceforth be known as Steve Sculpture, resembles many things. (If you have an incredible imagination, that is...) It's basically three things sticking out of a center thing. They aren't symmetrical, so that must mean something there... It kinda looks like a whale tail (say that out loud, it sounds cool, doesn't it?) but that wouldn't explain the top thingie unless it's like a punk whale or something. It also could be a propeller, albeit a very lopsided one. It was probably a poor prototype designed by a WPI Aerodynamics engineer; or possibly a good one with a really cool purpose, but which has long since been forgotten...

The other one we will call Amy Artwork. (My, isn't this getting cheezy.) At first glance, it appears to be a wind deflector for the small tree hiding behind it. While this seems to make sense, it doesn't because the sculpture is much older than the tree, so there. It could also be a skateboard ramp, the horns of the devil, the metal wings of some gigantic prehistoric bird who has it's head buried somewhere close to the basement of Kaven, or many other things which have not been as carefully researched as these were. Careful research is the hallmark of a great scientist.

If anyone knows which of our theories is correct, or wants to take the time to find out what they heck they are supposed to be, feel free to tell us, 'cuz we'd like that little bit o' info before we graduate.

And now for A List Of Things That Are Kind Of Unusual, But Not Totally Earth Shattering, So We Just Put Them In A List, Instead Of Carefully Exploring Them (A. L. O. T. T. A. K. O. U. B. N. T. E. S. S. W. J. P. T. I. A. L. I. O. C. E. T.): [Note: 27 letters, count 'em, 27... Stay tuned to further issues of Philler for more Guiness-esk acronyms.]

1. Why are all the street light-type things around campus different styles? We have everything from floodlights to antique style hanging lamps.
2. Freeman Plaza looks neat, but why did they not level the ground first? It must have been caused by unexpected amounts of wires and such buried in the ground under the site.
3. What's the scaffolding for on the side of Daniels Hall? Don't the workers know that there is a stairway inside the building? Maybe they are going to put on an inner-city motif production of Romeo and Juliet. They have the scaffolding ready for the balcony scene...
4. Where are the spruces? The plaque on the front steps of Riley Hall specifically dedicate "these spruces," and we want to know where they are.

THIS IS LAUREL. THERE WILL NOT BE ANY SUCH THING AS A NUDE STATUE OF JON STRAUSS ON THIS CAMPUS. THAT IS ALL.

Gee, sorrrr-ry. Here I am trying to get this silly community to think in higher terms, such as art and beauty, but nooooo, SHE has to come along and be a ... oompf! (Here we go again.)

LAUREL HERE AGAIN. FOR THE REST OF THE ARTICLE, I WILL BE WRITING. THERE WILL BE NO MORE SILLY BITS INVOLVING JON STRAUSS. IN FACT, I PERSONALLY PROMISE THAT WE WILL NEVER MENTION STRAUSS NUDE AGAIN.

I think that the fountain in Freeman Plaza should represent eternal struggle between engineering, science, and those stupid people that we have to make things for. No, no, no, no. That's not it at all. Something simple, yet common; easily understandable, yet with a deep and unmistakable meaning. Something complex... Dammit, it should be the Provost's head on the statue of David... (I was close. - Guinevere) That would be appropriate. And tasteful. End of discussion.

Hey, wait a minute. I've got a better idea. It should be a fountain that represents the real nature of this institution. Something truthful, insightful, and ingeniously fitted to this society. How 'bout The Philler Phountain? Yeah, that would be best.

Send your thoughts, observations, and questions to us at philler@philler.com...