Pickles and Pizza - No, no, no. He's just... pining...
Yes, we're alive and well in Worcester. We thank you for your e-mail of concern for our well being. (Even Laurel's mom asked what happened to Philler.) For those of you who have been wondering what's been happening with our articles these past few months while having to resort to reading the Police Log for entertainment... Well, we could tell you, but then we'd have to kill you. The rumors you may have heard concerning us, bronze goats, the British Police, and George Burns have been blown completely out of proportion, and we assure you that nothing remotely like that happened. What we can tell you, however, is that you're reading Philler now, and when we find out what happened to those "Lost Philler Episodes" we'll be sure to have a TV special. Deal?
Hey gals, where were you this week? Your articles are usually the only things in Newspeak that I read on Tuesdays and I truly missed you this week. Well, I'm sure you were catching up with your bronze barnyard friend or getting resident handymen Ed Parrish and Al Sacco involved in some head-to-head competition, right?
Anyways, I'm writing to you about restrooms. Specifically one on the first floor of Goddard Hall. Now this is a men's room ladies, but I'm asking you to be brave and go in there. Do you notice the pictures of flowers on the wall? (Did I just imagine them there, oh dear. . .what if someone takes them down before you get there, anyways. . .) Isn't there something strange about this?
I figure that this is either a misguided attempt to beautify the campus, a christmas gift that someone didn't like but thought would be just perfect in the men's room, or a study on the feminine side of males. Anyways, I decided to report this to you as you are, more or less, the investigative branch of Newspeak.
thanx for being there,
Thank you for your letter. We missed you too. Unfortunately all evidence of the flowers have parrished since you sent your letter to us. According to the campus map we found in the bottom of our Philler Philes, it seems that Goddard is way over on the other side of WPI's campus, and sadly, we didn't make it in time. Luckily, sneaking into the men's room was no problem for either of us, since, of course, our real-life counterparts are male. How long have you known us Bri?
First, on the subject of the S96 sticker, mine is perfectly aligned (maybe a nanometer or so off), and it was applied by the same guy as everyone else's. Maybe he denotes the people he doesn't like with a crooked sticker. Next, does it matter if you make any changes to any information on the green and white form you fill out for registration? I corrected my middle name (Michael, not Michel) twice so far, yet the high-and-mighty-people-in-charge-of-figuring-out-who-you-are still can't get it right. I feel that my rights are being violated, and would like to see justice.
-Matthew Michael Lug
Dear Matthew Michelle Lug,
We at Philler think it's horrible that your official records read Michel rather than Mitchel. Hopefully you'll get this fixed before you end up graduating and it's not even you that graduated, because it's some Matthewe Michalo Lug guy. Our S96 stickers were perfectly aligned, so I know we have a friend in Boynton. We will talk to the people over there for you personally and make sure that they change your name to the correct spelling of "Micheas" so you can rest easier at night. It's the least we can do.
Another year is over. It's finally spring, and there will be no more snow as long as we have our say. It will be a nippy day in Denny's before we get another snow storm in a non-winter month by kracky. Oh, um, anyhow... Last year at this time, we wrote an article and said that this was the last article. Well, this year we're going to say it again. (At least we're consistent.) If something strikes us as incredibly important to the WPI community in the future, (such as a professor giving birth to a full grown Elvis, for instance) we may write an article about it, but for the most part, we're not writing Philler next year, and we'll stick to it better than a peanutbuttered cat in a lawnmower.
In the past few years we've written articles covering an incredible amount of things that have happened (or kind of happened (or not really happened)) around campus. We still want some sort of system where the mailroom can notify your dorm room the second you get a letter, but in general, we're content with the results of our introduction of new ideas and harassing of people in our articles. We've even been notified that people in ES3601 this term could get extra credit points on an exam if they knew a bit of WPI trivia that just happened to appear in Philler. It's this type of legacy we'd like to leave in a place we've spent so much time and money. We'd like to say that we were single-handedly responsible for getting Burger King in the wedge next year, but DAKA helped a little bit with that. Just a little. They nixed the "Philler's Burger King" idea, but we'll still give them a bit of credit...
We'd like to thank all of our fans: The people who have written to us and have waited weeks to get their Philler Phan Club certificate, the people who have pointed out funny things to us in Philler when they didn't know we wrote it, our friends who have had to nod and smile and pretend they like reading our articles, and of course the girls a few months ago in the Sole Proprietor parking lot who yelled up to our apartment, "Nice Hat!" while we were writing one of our articles. We would really like to thank the departments who have put up with us over the years (read Plant Services, DAKA, and WPI Police)... but we're sorry, you just do silly things sometimes...
Have fun, don't let the bed bugs bite, take care, never sleep with someone crazier than yourself, always chew your food 50-100 times before swallowing, smile at strangers, peace, love, and cows.
-L & G
P.S. We will still accept e-mail sent to email@example.com, and chocolate and home made cookies and any other food items or presents are always welcome. Just drop them off at the Newspeak office, put our name on it, and make sure it doesn't look like anything good so those sneaky editors don't nibble on our presents before we come to pick them up. OK, bye-bye now...
P.P.S. Remember: When - the - going - gets - tough, - the - tough - get - a - large - sack - of - jelly - beans - (all - blacks - ones, - of - course) - stuffed - over - their - heads - by - a - transcendental - pack - of - meta-transformed - weasels - slavering - after - the - existential - remains - of - non-linear - life... with - a - toothbrush; - a - red - one. (W. T. G. G. T. T. T. G. A. L. S. O. J. B. (. A. B. O. O. C. ). S. O. T. H. B. A. T. P. O. M. T. W.S. A. T. E. R. O. N. L. L. W. A. T. A. R. O.)
Send your thoughts, observations, and questions to us at firstname.lastname@example.org...