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Hot Fudge and Cold Guns - Excuse me, there's a fly in my soup.


by Laurel and Guinevere

Well, it seems that this sudden blast of cold weather has finally taken it's toll on Philler. While Guinevere's taken off to Balleny Island for a few days of sun and fun, it's up to me to answer a series of difficult questions this week. Here goes something hopefully better than nothing...

Hello. I was just going through an old issue of Newspeak the other day, and I noticed something quite odd. On page 9, there is an advertisement for Domino's Pizza, which includes a coupon, that expires on 10/30/95. Looking at the top of the page for the publication date, I notice that it is Tuesday, October 31, 1995. Now how are us poor college students supposed to afford a pizza if the coupon is older than the paper it's printed on?

Just thought that I'd point out this bit of Newspeak weirdness...

-Michelle

If you remember in our last article, we touched on the concept of what a funny little thing time is sometimes. If you had picked up your copy of Newspeak in the library, this glitch would have been easily explained. Remember, Michelle, this coupon ended up expiring just one day after the time when the government requires us to adjust our clocks by one hour for no publicly known reason.

For complexity sake, however, let's assume that you did not pick up your copy of Newspeak in the library. This leaves us in quite a pickle.

Life isn't always fair, Michelle. It's your typical college - student - trying - to - eat - pizza - because - that's - what - college - students - do - but - can't - because - the - coupon - was - unwittingly - trapped - in - a - small - Newspeak - time - discrepancy (C. S. T. T. E. P. B. T. W. C. S. D. B. C. B. T. C. W. U. T. I. A. S. N. T. D.) situation. It's too common nowadays what with the newly discovered abundance of llamas and all. More than likely, what you seem to be experiencing is what some people refer to as the Koelle effect.

Sometimes things just don't happen when you want them to. This is the way at WPI. For further examples, see school-closing blizzards before major exams, Al Sacco, and those seniors who are currently on their fifth or more year at WPI now...

We would also like to take this time to welcome Al Sacco back to Earth. Better late than never. 'Cause now my mint condition trading cards are going to be worth more money than a roll of duct tape in a toilet paper factory someday...

As a side note, Philler has submitted many experiment ideas to NASA in the past, and since we have not received any notice to the contrary, we assume that they will indeed be performed on future shuttle flights. Wow, I can't wait to see how they'll manage to eat with those things on... and when they do that one with the leeches and celery... and I bet those alligators are going to freak out when they see the Earth real small like that... Wow, there are going to be some interesting things going on in space soon, folks.

G'morning L & G,

I have a detective job of sorts for you, so get out your Sherlock Holmes cap, your best British accent, and your magnifying glasses (and Guinevere, don't let Laurel sacrifice any poor little ants this time!). Now that you look like sort of legitimate detectives here's the case..

. Last Friday, I think it was Friday I was in a sort of daze whatever day it was, I was walking through the quad around 2:30pm. As I was walking I heard this loud whooosh-hissing sound. I looked around confusedly and then discovered the source of this menacing sound. Pouring out from the new addition to Higgins labs, was this immense cloud of white smoke. To me this seemed very odd....my question to you is do you know why, or could you find out why we as a campus were contributing to the air pollution (and noise pollution, that sucker was LOUD!) problem we already have here in Worcester. I know the Admin. will probably say it was steam or something so that we really weren't polluting, but I think someone should get down to the bottom of it and I think you two are just the two to do it. It's your mission if you choose to accept it!

Good Luck,
Jami

First off, I know that e-mail is very popular on a campus like this, but I just want to say it's pretty scary when your roommate tells you something by e-mailing Newspeak and waiting for one of the editors to get it and then forward it to you... Or maybe she just forgot who writes this column... In any case, on with the explanation...

Got my Sherlock Holmes cap. Got my incredible British accent which I picked up from watching untold hours of Monty Python skits, and I've got the largest magnifying glass the world has ever known... Guinevere's not here to supervise me... Mouhahaha! Just kidding, folks, I'm not a cruel person. I don't hurt poor little ants with magnifying glasses... although I did try to use it to see if I could hit some of those frat guys who were honking their horns like crazy last Saturday morning... Ahem...

Higgins labs has always been a place of mystery and intrigue. (Work with me here...) The building itself, subtly shaped like the letter "H" after it's namesake.

All of a sudden, the Mechanical Engineering department came up with a ton of money from undisclosed sources to build this... addition.

With the addition came... changes. The building now resembles an "H" with a tumor. Has anyone else noticed that the building is physically larger now, but there seems to be even fewer classrooms? Where is all of this extra space hiding, and what is it being used for?!?!? If you think it has something to do with the white smoke, you may be correct.

Most people would jump to the conclusion that this smoke was a delivery system for an evil mind-numbing drug to make people fail classes, causing them to stay at WPI longer, and therefore pay more tuition money. Possibly, but I'm not quite that conspiracy minded this week.

Read the article about that Space Shuttle again. Look at the picture, Jami... Does this white cloud you saw resemble the white clouds you see forming at the base of the shuttle at launch time? Does it? Of course not, there's no way Sacco could have completed his little known mission to get WPI it's very own Space Shuttle by "borrowing" it piece by piece... Or did he? Next time they have an open house around here, look for the "WPI Shuttle Tour" signs...

Well, that's about all for this week. Guinevere's not here, so I should write more, but that's the way you do it in Tibet.


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