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Marching bands and pink balloons - You're getting verrrry sleepy...


by Laurel and Guinevere

You know, last time we asked you guys to send us an "artists conception" of what you think we look like. Well...? We're waiting... No one has sent in anything yet, and we're starting to wonder if the rumors that we don't exist are true. Please send us something to prove that we really do exist. A crayon portrait would be wonderful. We're not picky... (Well, that's not entirely true, but that's not important right now...)

Question: Do you think that if anything else is put on the roof of Higgins the entire building will collapse?

Answer: Most definitely. There is a plethora 'o stuff up there, and most of it's for air conditioning and ventilation. Gee, if they had to do all that for cars, they'd need bigger engines to move all the weight...

Once again it's time to delve into the fan mail bag and see what we have for this week...

Dear Laurel & Guinevere,

As I already have (my pride and joy) a Philler Phan Club certificate, there is no need to print this letter. I thought that I'd tip you off to what could be a little more investigative reporting. While I was sitting in the laundry room in Daniels' basement doing my laundry, I noticed something rather odd... Why is it that there are 14 washers, and 16 dryers? Is this a thing like how hot dogs come in packages of 10 and hot dog buns in packages of 8? Shouldn't there be more washers than dryers, as there seems to always be a wait line on the washers, and not on the dryers. Anyways, many people put two washes into one dryer. So, what is up with the laundry room in Daniels' basement, having 16 dryers and only 14 washers? Just extremely curious. (Then again, curiosity killed the cat, but satisfaction brought him back.)

Yours till the sugar bowls,

Michelle R. Vadeboncoeur

Just to tell you, the laundry room in Daniels basement has 14 washers and 16 dryers, while the laundry room in Founders basement has 10 washers and 12 dryers. I find this +2 arrangement interesting. What's up with it?

-Michelle

Gee, that's really scary Michelle. Imagine the cosmic significance of the +2 arrangement... They should really call NASA about this. There must be some connection with the Grand Unified Field Theory that physicists are working on... We are certain that, somehow, the +2 washer dryer ratio will have a profound impact upon our lives - and we don't just mean laundry wise... We could start an entire new system of mathematics called Laundermathics... The possibilities are boundless... - hopefully the profits will be too...

I got a great "welcome back to WPI" this morning from plant services when I stepped out the door of the dorm into a six inch puddle of water. However, I wasn't terribly fazed by this until I boarded the Consortium shuttle to go to a class at Clark. As the shuttle pulled into Assumption, I noticed a great discrepancy between these two schools. While the paths at Tech remained decidedly slush filled, the sidewalks and access roads at Assumption were at least as clear as a partly overcast day.

The travesty continued, however, as the shuttle entered Worcester State. The paths there were also remarkably clearer. Was the snow at WPI, I wondered, merely a figment of an overactive imagination, or a highly localized disturbance? If so, this snow must have been extremely well controlled, as the only areas at WSC and Assumption were the only areas free of the white stuff.

Anyway, by the time I arrived at Clark I was quite irked. Clark's walkways were, again clear. I noticed similar phenomena at Holy Cross and UMass Med Center. The final insult, though, was received when I returned to WPI. At 2:30, Freeman Plaza, most sidewalks around campus and the entire quad area were STILL filled with slimy, wet cold SLUSH!!

So, this brings me to my conclusion and required acronym. Did the physical plants of all the other area schools conspire to make WPI plant services look bad today, or would our overrated physical plant have screwed this up on their own? A professor of mine told me this behavior is not at all out of the ordinary during the transition period between one president and the next (N.A.A.O.O.T.O.D.T.T.P.B.O.P.A.T.N.). Do you know anything of this great tragedy?

Anyway, I think someone needs to hear about this, so I'll let you take the ball for now. Until a Philler goes by without an extra long winded acronym (ELWA) this has been a regular reader,

Jean Claude Van Dan.

Wow, a man after our own hearts with an ELWA... (*sigh*) Well Jean Claude, may we call you Jean Claude?, we thank you for your investigative reporting. For the many years that we have been here at WPI we have noticed much in the way of physical plant problems. There have been some improvements, but not as many or as quickly as we would like. While this is disappointing, it is good in the sense that we always have something else to fall back on, besides DAKA...

Anyway, we are sure that everyone noticed how bad the entire campus was the other week when all that slush was gooping - up - campus - like - a - bizarre - conglomeration - of - Seussean - oobleck - and - cafeteria - concoctions - transformed - into - an - atmospheric - disturbance - of - icky - proportions (G. U. C. L. A. B. C. O. S. O. A. C. C. T. I. A. A. D. O. I. P.). Here's some bad news: get used to it. Sorry to be cynical, but things just don't look much better than that sometimes... However, there was one time last winter that we wrote a witty and most timely request concerning the communal problem of crystallized precipitation removal, and its effect on our safety and aesthetic well being (read, complained our butts off about the snowy steps), and the next day they were perfectly clean... From what we heard, President Strauss read the article and ordered Plant Services to fix the problem because he feared a degradation of community morale. Hmm, maybe it'll work again... President Brown, are you reading this...?

If anyone can get this campus in tip-top shape, it would have to be our interim president, John Lott Brown. We have heard many rumors of his actions while in the capacity of our interim president. In fact, we have heard more good things about him in the short while that he has held the office, than we did about ex-President Strauss. This guy's just incredible. For a guy in a "temporary" position, which is designed to just hold the fort for a while, he has taken a very special interest in this institute. He insisted on going to DAKA, and he paid for his meal when the employees tried to get him to do otherwise. Not only was this brave, but it also showed an unprecedented interest in the concerns of WPI students. He has tried to do things for this community, not just perform his administrative duties. There was no real reason for him to be so involved in affairs not expressly in his domain, but he did anyway. Therefore we humbly request that his title be changed to President Brown. We feel that the best choice is right under our collective nose. (Sorry Cory, but you did not respond to our nomination in time...)

If you have anything to say about this article in support, disapproval, hatred, joy, etc., or if we just made you laugh, please write to us at newspeak@wpi.edu. President Brown, we would like to hear from you, too. We care about this community, and know that you do too. Besides, if you write to us, you get a wicked neat-o certificate...


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