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Paper Bags and Sharp Sticks - What flavor would you like?


by Laurel and Guinevere

Yet another week flying by as we come ever closer to the end of the year. It's about this time that even the die-hard academic seniors start to break down and begin showing signs of the senior slide. You can tell that the stress level is getting to graduating students about to enter the real world. One particularly good example is exhibited by our first letter:

Philler,

I was reading one of your articles recently and finally realized how I could leave my lasting mark on WPI before I graduate for the great Real World (and that is *not* the MTV variety). I feel it is my responsibility, as an experienced work-study employee/student, to describe to the non-work-study folks out there why students even do it. I mean, if somebody stopped me on the street and offered me the opportunity to do menial chores such as make photocopies and type labels, I wouldn't normally jump at it. So, here are my top ten reasons for keeping a work-study job.

Top Ten Reasons To Be A Work-Study Student
10. Easy access to tons of free food
9. Minimum wage encourages better money management
8. Find out why the Project Center *really* moved to Boynton
7. Only time I have to read the newspaper
6. Excellent source of campus political rumors
5. Two words: Free printing
4. Great chance to suck up to the administration
3. One week of work will buy a whole computer game
2. Unlimited source of free computer software
1. Good way to find a date

So to those of you who receive work-study money next year, you may want to reconsider cashing in on this excellent source of free goodies.

Jason S. Anderson

Class of 95

This is truly a frighteningly accurate description of most work-study jobs and we appreciate your enlightening contribution to our column. For those of you who do not know the answer to number eight, the answer lies in the word project itself. It comes from the two words "proj" and "ect", neither of which are in our Webster's 9th dictionary. This does not make any sense in the least. Hence, by that chain of theory, it had to be moved to Boynton along with the other nonsensical departments such as accounting. Accounting is that frightening land where, for some mysterious reason, the employees are able to recall the simple procedure of cashing a check for only several hours each day and then promptly forget. If provoked after this time, they will simply reply, "I'm sorry, I can't do that anymore." The alien possession theories here are endless.

The next question comes to us from our beloved category, which is our generation-x fans who read our articles and submit questions to us using the world wide web...

Okay... here's something useless and random that should remind you of Philler's phirst phew articles... There's a sign on Boynton St., across the street from Founders, which says "No Parking on Sidewalk." Despite vigorous efforts on the part of my friends and me, we have been unable to locate the sidewalk we aren't supposed to park on. Just something to think about...

David Spencer

Mr. Spencer obviously hasn't been reading his Tech Bible. You see there *used* to be a sidewalk there. After the wall was constructed to protect against invaders from rival colleges, the sidewalk was added to deter the frequent tunneling attempts. Those crusades ended long ago when the city changed Main Street to loop back on itself disorienting the attackers by sending them back toward their origin. But that doesn't explain why the sidewalk is no longer there. See, I told you that story so that I could tell you this one, because then of course, you have the fifty year swarms. Remember what Freeman Plaza looked like last year? Do you know why it no longer looks that way? Exactly! The fifty year swarms. Unfortunately, it seems that WPI happens to be located directly in the migratory path of the wicked - super - dooper - fast - concrete - devouring - green - on - the - top - half - and - orange - on - the - bottom - half - with - a - pink - dot - on - the - spot - where - it's - nose - would - be - if - it - had - a - nose - beetle (W. S. D. F. C. D. G. O. T. T. H. A. O. O. T. B. H. W. A. P. D. O. T. S. W. I. N. W. B. I. I. H. A. N. B.) which runs from Nome, Alaska to southern Czechoslovakia. For the freshmen, and those of our readers with wicked short memory spans, Freeman plaza used to be made of concrete until the W. S. D. F. C. D. G. O. T. T. H. A. O. O. T. B. H. W. A. P. D. O. T. S. W. I. N. W. B. I. I. H. A. N. B.'s came through and gobbled it all up. Of course there was the typical cover up and they quickly moved large construction machinery in to make it look all planed and everything. (Changing the quad paths from concrete to brick was initiated a few years ago as a preventative measure since a cover up would be impossible since the scene would have been in plain sight of hundreds of students.) Well, the same thing happened in 1944 and that time, the sidewalk along Boynton happened to look suction - cup - licking - good. The trustees never replaced the sidewalk after that trauma, and I guess they never bothered to replace the sign either. Hope this helps answer your question.

Remember to mark Quadfest on your calendar and get ready to enter the Philler Phun Phind where we'll be giving away prizes to the first few people who ask us "the magic question." Just so we don't have people huddled around us all day trying ask the magic question like why is the sky blue, and if milk comes out of a cow's nose when it laughs, we're going to have clues. Now, we're sick of scavenger hunts that require "research" since it's far too school like and quite frankly, if we make *you* do research, it means that *we* had to do research. Instead, we've decided to have you running like mad around campus getting info off painfully obvious stuff with a couple of non-painfully obvious stuffs just to make things interesting. Sound good? Show up and see what happens.

Remember also to send in your reader's poll thingies if you haven't already. Correctly pre-filled-out ballots may be picked up from the Philler Phan Club office - the home of the Riley flashing star...

Drop us a line at newspeak@wpi.edu, WPI Box 2700, or http://f64.wpi.edu/~newspeak/philler/Philler.html and we'll see you next week.


Send your thoughts, observations, and questions to us at philler@philler.com...