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Lists and destiny - A smile without a cat


by Guinevere

First of all this week, I would like to apologize to all our loyal fans (if we have any), who missed us last week in Newspeak. I suppose that I could make up some phony excuse, but I don't want to. But that's not out of kindness or respect - it's because we can't think of one...

But now, to business... (No, that is not a toast).

Weird stuff, weird stuff. Neither of us can think of anything that is weird right now. Gee, that in itself is weird. (We are even trying our best - listening to Floyd in the dark...) Maybe this week's theme should be a little deviant. No, not THAT way. Meaning that the topic should be something other than stuff around WPI. Yeah, that's a good idea. It's settled then. This week's Philler will explore the horribly mundane in new and exciting ways, and not once mention WPI - not even the new University plans...

OK. Not WPI. Hmmm... How about Worcester in general. Start with downtown. The Shawmut building. Why on earth did the designers try to: 1. emulate the John Hancock building in Boston; 2. make it look like nothing else on Main Street (or all of Worcester for that matter); 3. create a "salad bar" motif in the lobby area. If you go inside the lobby - as if you were going to actually do some "honest" banking - the angled glass ceiling makes one feel as if you were a seven-hour-old piece of wilted lettuce. Anyone who has spent time as a piece of vegetable matter, or has a habit of lying around on salad bars, would understand the principle of this inquiry. Anyone else who happens to understand this, must be clinically insane...

Well, ah.... we exhausted all the ideas in that area already. Pretty quick, huh? Oh well, it is getting late... And now on to something new:

Don't ya hate it when...

You have this feeling that you forgot something, but overcome it by telling yourself that it is just normal universal paranoia and anxiety, only to find that you really did forget something vital, and now are totally screwed for not having it? No? Oh... Sorry.

You inadvertently put on a really depressing album, which makes your whole day turn sour, which makes you feel good because you like feeling that way, which causes your friends to get angry at you for being so good about being depressed, which makes you feel angry at them for being angry with you? If your answer is "yes," seek professional psychiatric help. Now. Don't wait. Go.

You're trying to read a funny column in the newspaper, and the writers are being jerks? Too bad. Learn to live with it. Nyaaah!

Your life appears to be a Salvador Dali painting? Hey, wait. That actually would be quite cool. (Yeah, if you like being on acid all day... He was such a weirdo.)

Speaking of famous painters, did you ever think that some of the greatest artists throughout history may have just been people with poor eyesight? Really. Think about it. Take Claude Monet. His painting are termed "Impressionist" (or something like that), but it may be that he just had really poor eyesight, and only painted what he saw: blurry stuff. Oh yes, his choice of what blurry thing to paint was wonderful, but with a good pair of glasses, he would have been just a normal person. Maybe even Dali had some sort of stigmatism that made his vision of the world a bit distorted. This makes perfect sense if you look at some of his work. Picasso, on the other hand, probably just could not decide what side of the model he wanted to paint, so he painted them all. Genius, or absolute wacko? You make the call...

Speaking of wackos: You know you're crazy when...

You are watching Saturday Night Live, and you find yourself agreeing with the Deep Thoughts by Jack Handy. It is even worse when you know what he is going to say before hand, because you have thought of that sort of thing before...

The highlight of your day is watching Star Trek...

...and you find that you like Commander Riker for his wit and charm.

You have nothing better to do on a Saturday night than write stupid articles...

...and they are not even that funny.

You include 11 things on a "Top 10 List" and don't think anything is wrong.

Did you ever wonder why...

When soft things go stale they get hard, and when hard things go stale they get soft? For instance, bread, which is usually soft, becomes quite hard when it gets stale. Potato chips, on the other hand, go from hard and crispy, to kinda soggy. Why is this? What cruel twist of Fate designed this Inverted Stale-itude Phenomenon (ISP)? [Thanks to Nick Conti for informing us of this bizarre cosmic food effect.]

Bancroft Tower, which has a sign clearly stating the hours the tower will be open, but is never open for any of these hours? Or for any hours. One must rely upon the good grace of some nice person with a hacksaw to provide star-gazers and hell-raisers with the opportunity for an occasional visit to this not-so-clean, but pretty-high-up attraction.

Police are called "pork," and "bacon," when they mostly consume donuts? Shouldn't they be called Munchkins, D-Holes, or some other donut-related name?

You know you are a geek when...

You use the phrase "orders of magnitude" in an everyday conversation.

You cannot do simple arithmetic without the use of a calculator, or some exceedingly complex calculus operation.

You argue about petty technical trivialities over a cafeteria dinner.

The average stress homework assignment does not compare in total work to your effort in rearranging your room.

Even nerds don't want to hang out with you.

You routinely point out where the night's sci-fi show ignores, discounts, obstructs, or otherwise changes a physical law or theorem.

Well, that seems to be all for this week. Sorry that we were.... Oh, hell. We're not going to justify ourselves, nor apologize for the stupidity of statements made within this article. It Commentary. We can say whatever we want. Occasionally we manage to be on the verge of humor, and sometimes we mention some small intriguing anecdote, but otherwise it is pure drivel. Deal with it, Pink Boy! Until next time...


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