Sabotage and Sodas - The Time has Come
by Laurel and Guinevere
Since we've just gotten back from break, we'll try to make it last a little longer and start up with a letter from someone else:
Snowballs and Fried Eggs
Well, well. Yes we have lowered ourselves to the Philler! Just kidding. As phans of the Philler we would like to bring up some important issues we feel should be addressed. Let's start with the heat. The question is no longer where is it, but when's it gonna go away. I'm so hot and I'm running out of t-shirts. I didn't know I'd have to have my parents bring up my summer wear again. You all remember back in October on a sunny afternoon when our parents came to join us in our misery, (heck we love this place!). Well... We decided to clean our room, this sure beats studying for mid terms. We made the mistake of spraying a detergent like substance on the radiators. Let's just say rivers of dirt flooded out. We were in shock. We resorted to just plain vaccccuuuummmmming (I don't know how to spell that word, we'll just let that one slide) On to (hopefully) cleaner pastures. (Moo Moo) D.A.K.A... About their decorating committee. It's great and all, but the two pumpkins hanging beside the salad bar have to go. I'm not tall so it doesn't really affect me personally, but anyone over 5'7" has hit them on several occasions. They need to get rid of those things immediately. Heck when this gets published they'll probably be replaced with big Turkeys. (Gobble Gobble) (Enough of the animal sounds!) The video jukebox is a rather pleasant D.A.K.A. addition, don't you think? Everytime we think something will be good (i.e. the cheesecake) it isn't! I've heard "Sabotage" (Beastie Boys) three times at every meal. Will someone please break that thing! (Note: Newspeak does not necessarily advocate any of the ideas of it's readers, Wink Wink ;) We also decided to respond to your top ten with one of our own. P.S. I heard someone got yelled at for reading Newspeak in a Chemistry lecture. They must have been reading the world events section! Top Ten Reasons Why We Read Philler
#10 It makes one heck of a fan, since it's a tad hot in the dorms
9 It tells you all the things they don't tell you at the open houses
8 No one else gives you a certificate for writing in
7 We like the catchy logo
6 It's the only thing in the paper worth reading next to the police log
5 What else can you do on a Tuesday morning in D.A.K.A.
4 About that logo, we think it's really keen how the article just keeps going right around the article
3 We're gathering hints on who the real Laurel and Guinevere are
2 We're really into the cool last forever go on forever and ever (c.l.f.g.o.f.a.e) acronyms
And the number one reason we are phans of the Philler is.... (Drumroll please....)
1 We, yes we do, idolize Laurel and Guinevere
See ya next tuesday over a half toasted bagel. (No cream cheese of course, there's never any when I go!)
Your number one fans,
Pebbles and Bam Bam
(we wanted our own cute super duper secret private totally unsolvable mystery names: AKA c.s.d.s.p.t.u.m.n)
Ah... What to say? Writers getting fan mail signed "Your number one fans"... Anyone read Stephen King's "Misery"? Oh, we're not scared...
In our quest for justice and humour around this wonderful campus, we have had many requests for a particular topic. Because this happens to be the oldest topic to poke fun of at any school, we have always tried to avoid it like the plague though many temptations existed. However, their latest gimmick could not be left without comment, and no GS Grams would do this topic justice...
Picture it... Sicily... No, wait, that's not right.
Picture it... DAKA... It used to have a pleasant relaxing social atmosphere (work with us here). A place to get together and talk to your friends and unwind. You could talk about classes, complain about the food, or just stare at your plate for long periods of time - you know, the good things in life.
This term, however, DAKA has been invaded by IT. IT is interactive television, and also, surprisingly, another Stephen King book. A large black monolith consisting of several hundred speakers and two screens. Ever find yourself complaining about the music DAKA piped through the speakers? Well, just walk up to the screen and select your favorite song and it's music video will be automagically (isn't that a cool word?) broadcasted on multiple televisions around your dining area for your enjoyment.
At first, we'll admit, it was kinda cool... But lately, I think most everyone wants to destroy the bloody thing.
It's kinda scary if you watched the progression. First, people sat down and noticed the monitors. They talked to their friends, and every once in a while, looked up if a song they liked came on. Then after a few days, people started sitting in small arcs around the monitors, stared at the picture exclusively, and ate the food, becoming antisocial zombies of technology.
We too will snap if we hear "Sabotage" one more time... The random play feature seems stuck on Beastie Boys and Pink Floyd. You start to hate even the best of songs if you hear them more than a couple of times each meal every day...
Some people have been known to program in some of their favorite songs before they sit down to eat. This seems like a good idea so that you can enjoy the type of music you like, and something closer to the tastes of the rest of the eaters in contrast to the random mix the machine comes up with by itself.
Others, however, have used this opportunity to make everyone's eating experience even more of a living hell by programming songs which they know will drive others to the brink of DAKA madness.
Remember when you could usually just ignore the radio if it was on a station you didn't really care for? Now we have these same songs played purposely at louder volumes, and you see it too... Not only that, but you actually see the person responsible for the song being played! You can't go and complain to a complete stranger!
The true intention of IT is still unknown. Obviously, someone at DAKA got an idea...
"...that's the thing, we don't have to improve the food. All we have to do is distract them while they're eating so they don't notice..."
Fact or fiction, folks? (note the cool alliteration) All that I ask, is that someone tell me that we aren't paying for IT!!! If they tell us that they can't make the pork sandwiches warm in the centers because they don't have enough space, or we can't get better food because they are on such a tight budget, and then they go and spend mega-bucks on a boombox on steroids... Ed, tell me it's not so. Please tell me it's not so...
For those of you who think our little DAKA kick is over now, think again. This is only the beginning. There are just soo many things to make fun of regarding our lovely dining service, that the possibilities give us goose bumps.
Here's something that we are sure many of you have noticed: what's up with all the darn soup spoons?! Take a little trip to the eating utensil dispenser and try, just try, to get a teaspoon. More often than not, all that you can pull out are soup spoons. Whose sick little idea is this? In the cosmic scheme of things, it is not vitally important that we are able to have teaspoons instead of soup spoons, but don't cha think that it would be nice every once in a while to have a proper sized utensil for cereal? (The other day, actually, I wanted some soup, and all I could find on the first half-dozen attempts were teaspoons. Image that...) It seems soo easy to just follow the directions on the cart-thingy that hold the utensils. It is actually labeled with "forks," "knives," "teaspoons," and "soup spoons," so why can't they just put the proper part where it belongs? (Imagine these people attempting to put together something difficult, such as a Lego house... talk about messy...) Ah, well. You all know the old maxim: The more things should change, the more DAKA ignores them. I guess that for now, we'll have to deal with soup spoon, soup spoon, soup spoon... (See our "skim goes in skim, skim goes in skim" thingy from a while back.)
The DAKA fun never ends...
Personally, I happen to like Cheerios. All kinds of Cheerios: regular, Honey Nut, Apple Cinnamon, even the "new, improved, super-crunchy, better-than-ever Cheerios." However, I would like to know what kind I am going to get before I eat them. Call me picky, but somehow when one is expecting Honey Nut Cheerios, only to discover by personal tongue experience (i.e. tasting the darn things) that they are regular flavor, it is quite disappointing. DAKA has to figure out the difference, and fast, before someone decides to sue them for false advertising, reckless endangerment, or (gasp!) severe-disappointment-of-a-paying-customer-in-a-pseudo-restaurant-like-establishment (S.D.O.A.P.C.I.A.P.R.L.E.). (Does it frighten anyone else to know that the acronyms D.O.A. and C.I.A. are in that one...? And I didn't even do that one on purpose...)
We think that it is terribly funny that someone changed the words over the DAKA entrance from "Morgan Commons" to read "Orgasm On," but we are very concerned about the connotations that brings to mind. The nagging question is: WHY! Sure, it's extremely funny, and quite inventive (although we cannot directly support such wanton destruction of school property), but it just so SICK! I've never, ever felt even close to that state while in DAKA. Those people who performed this incident of word trickery should seriously consider the message they convey in their next endeavor. (And yes, another one could be quite funny... but don't take that as encouragement.)
DAKA bashing, DAKA bashing, let's go a-DAKA bashing... (Oh, Laurel just informed me that "we aren't doing DAKA bashing, we giving them insightful DAKA commentary. Think of it as a long GS Gram." Sorry...)
Anyhow, there just seems to be no end to the pickonableness of DAKA. While the Healthy Choice line presents some strange connotations, such as what sort of health would one have coming from the other lines, but that's another story. The question that bugs me is what happened to the Healthy Choice line over break? Somehow, for an unknown reason, it disappeared, forcing everyone to eat unhealthy food. Was this DAKA's plan? Someone said that the line was just combined with the other ones, but I don't buy that. The food wasn't the same, so there... [Insert your version of what Laurel and Guinevere look like here, but with tongues sticking out impudently.]
You know, people really shouldn't stay on campus over break, because it only provides them with more things to be angry about. The services change, but hey, we're so relaxed with this cable television thing, that nothing could disturb us. However, there was something that happened before the term ended, and someone else must have noticed also. Remember Parent's Day? Remember lunch that day? Why was it sooo much better than any other day? If you say "because they want to show off, and make parents think that their children are just whiners because the food's not that bad here" then you are correct. Give yourself 10 bonus points, and move onto the next round. Sure, the food was actually good that day, but it was not something that could be enjoyed, because there was this nagging thought in the back of my mind that said, "this will all be gone tomorrow." Chalk up another ruined meal...
And now it's time for... [insert drum roll here] yet another Top 10 List!
Top 10 Things that nice young college students could change "Morgan Commons" into:
1. Noon Orgasm
Well boys and girls, we certainly had fun today at DAKA's expense. Remember, to keep those letters coming. The ones we have will get in eventually, don't worry. Send them to firstname.lastname@example.org. Tune in next week when you'll hear Laurel say, "Do you think its suspicious that two high-ranking, female DAKA employees are pregnant at the same time?"
Send your thoughts, observations, and questions to us at email@example.com...