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Phone Calls and Blank Walls - Has Jack Frost been nipping at your... butt?


by Laurel and Guinevere

Did-ja ever... Did-ja ever wonder why... It was colder inside than outside this past week? Did-ja ever wonder why some people had to wear multiple layers of clothes, mittens, ski-masks and winter boots to bed this past week? Did-ja? It wasn't some strange cult thing, just plain COLD!!! Not no circulation cold, but just plain no-heat-on-in-the-dorm-cold. (This doesn't even deserve it's own acronym.) No lie, and no exaggeration, we measured 53 degrees in our room one morning. In the interest of preserving harmony and unity among our readers of various disciplines, we offer the following conversions: 11.67 degrees Celsius, 284.83 degrees Kelvin, 512.67 degrees Rankine, and -674794.0001 smackleramas (every significant digit counts, mind you). THAT's cold.

Ok. Ok. A little background info is in order here, don't-cha think? Huh, huh, don't-cha? Even if you don't, here it is anyway...

For people who don't live on campus, and haven't gone to class in the past week, skip down a couple paragraphs. If the previous qualifications do not apply to you, then read on, Gunga Din...

According to Residential Services, the heat was not turned on when it got cold because they were not convinced that the weather would stay at a temperature low enough to warrant the heat being on. Once the heat gets turned on, they say they can't shut it off. We can hear, "Well, they turned on the heat. I guess it's in God's hands now..."

We know how shutting down the steam pipes would be a pain, but trying to type a paper with numb fingers is not a pleasant experience either. Worse comes to worse, we can open a window or shut off the radiators in our room. We're engineers for goodness sake! Making the room cooler is not a problem. Making it warmer without using illegal open coil appliances is a problem. On a side note, propping open the mircowave door for 30 seconds didn't warm the room properly either. In order to justify not turning on our heat, they made up some well-thought-out tradition and assigned the 10th of October as a perfectly arbitrary date to turn on the heat throughout campus. They were convinced that as soon as they turned on said heat, that the entirety of New England would be instantly transported to the tropics, and thus their supreme efforts and deductive abilities would be in vain. On the whole, we regard this as quite funny, since, on Friday, they broke down and turned on the heat because of student complaints, and lo and behold we were all running around the quad in shorts come Saturday. (Excuse us while we laugh heartily for a few... )

Ok, ok. They were right, but that's neither here nor there. The point is, we were darn cold, and by the time the heat came on (minus a few who died of hypothermia), Mother Nature had seen fit to take care of us with nice warm sunshine.

On a sad note, we are not yet sure if our beloved plant will recover from the cold that it contracted during our week in the bureaucracy-induced-indoor-Arctic-weather, or B. I. I. A. W. ("Biiaw!" coincidentally, is the sound Laurel made one morning last week stepping out of the shower onto the ice-cold floor tiles). Does WPI carry plant insurance? I don't remember ever seeing such a thing, and it wasn't on the list of things that we have to sign... (ooo, ooo, a plug for a previous article... neat.)

Why can't the startup of campus services, such as the heat, be determined by something silly, such as..., I dunno, the current outdoor temperature, and not the horse-pucky that we've been gettin' aroun' heah lately...? [Insert other examples of authentic frontier gibberish here.]

'Nuff said.

Off we go, into the wild, blue mailbox... Our first letter today, boys and girls, comes from the Math Department, but I'm sure you all can say, Math Department... so we'll just show you the letter.

Dear Laurel & Guinevere

Would you like to have a personal guided tour of 2.5 Stratton Hall? I would be more than happy to arrange for a "small" party, preferably under 5 feet, to view our mystery room. Michelle is also welcome to join us. Rumor has it, it was the private office of a former custodian. Actually it is quite spacious and even has a window with a view. You may even bring a photographer to record this momentous event if you like.

I do have a favor to ask of you. Could you verify the rumor that there is going to be alligator wrestling in the pit in the middle of Freeman Plaza by the stairs?

Dee Hewson

Math Department

Oh, ah, um, what to say to that. Um, obviously because of our incredibly busy schedules (and obvious loss of anonymity), we were unable to attend the tour. However, we managed to coerce Newspeak into sending an investigative team in our place to view the room in question, and we even have a picture (yea, Philler's phirst foto)! Cool, huh? Besides, Newspeak's camera is a lot larger than ours, and they know how to develop their own film... what a hunk...

Thanks for the tour Dee, we really appreciate it when our readers get so involved with our column. On the tour of Stratton Hall 2.5, our liaison reports that "it's full of boxes and stuff." Um, gee, thanks. (We thinks we needs a better liaison, yes?) We were very much disappointed to learn that it was not a secret doorway to a parallel universe in which WPI is entirely run by our counterparts Gaurel and Luinevere, but it was not to be. Sigh. Despite our sense of disappointment, we are grateful to Dee for the tour, however indirectly we received it.

We regret to inform you, however, that the "pit" in Freeman Plaza will most likely, although this has not been confirmed, not be for alligator wrestling. It will be primarily for use by the Physics Department. Rumor is, that it will be the first aesthetically pleasing particle accelerator, which will not be confined to previous size constraints, but will be capable of accelerating objects as large as medium sized grapefruits. The benefits of this are painfully obvious, emphasis on the painful part.

Pat Delahanty very nicely suggested that they name a server after us. Thank you Pat. He offers philler.wpi.edu or guinevere.wpi.edu (as laurel.wpi.edu is already taken). That is very nice. We also submit the "Laurel and Guinevere Lounge," as a more appropriate memorial (but a server would be quite cool, if the nice guys down at the CCC could swing it, hint, hint). We need to leave our mark on this campus, and blowing up a building is just too time consuming, not to mention messy...

Jim Lagrant asks, "Why does every EE think that all of the world's problems can be solved with capacitors?" Gee Jim, we don't know why either. Must be just one of those things. Are you one of those majors Jim or are you secretly experiencing a EE-envy crisis? Tell us about your professors... We are here to help, Jim. You can trust us. Honest. In a token of our good faith, we promise we won't mention capacitors as a solution to any of WPI's problems from now on. Now, don't you feel better? We do. Shouldn't you?

We've been receiving lots of letters lately, and if yours didn't make it in this week's, don't worry, it's just that we have to write some material too in this column, so maybe next week or something. Oh, if you'd like to be cool and get your name, or a reasonable facsimile, printed in Newspeak, somewhere other than the police log, and a Philler Phan Club certificate, please write to us. Obviously we enjoy hearing about strange and wacky things, being that way ourselves. Knowing that there are people out there that are just as sick as us, if not more, makes us feel all warm and fuzzy inside... So send your comments, notes, queries, and such stuff to newspeak@wpi.wpi.edu with Philler somewhere in the subject, or write snail mail to Philler c/o Newspeak Box 2700, and write neatly, cuz last week we got a doozy...

By the way, we were thinking about how someone asked us the other day why we were going off on this unintelligent stream of consciousness form of free flowing writing that just keeps on going off in all directions without regard to space and time and worldly considerations yeah yeah yeah way out there man in the continuous universe of college life and things that don't matter but could somewhere if Newspeak ever gets printed or not and Faulkner rules all with Jack Kerouac as his right hand man without benefit of council or burden of proof can you imagine what the consequences damn the torpedoes and go back to the place where you were before you were and why ask why and who and just go because we have to go and being gone without going quite all the way there is there is not here without Spock but with that annoying twit Wesley would just be crazy but not completely just awful like the smell of the wisteria blooming and this just on and on in my head over and over without end and hoping for it but without hope for info call Tony but he's never home cuz he's always out with his girlfriend who's a sorority girl and you know what that can mean if the dogs are outside running over the lawnmower making all kinds of noise and just unbearable because that just makes him more tired and just going without going going going just driving and flying down hallways of granite peat moss without knowing what goes into a Quick Chick but not really caring but yearning to know but they're supposed to be hard and not mushy but they never are and that's just the way it is.

Smile Mike. Hey man, Faulkner does it, and he's literary...


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