Four-wheelers and Telephone Poles - Who's been eating YOUR porridge?
by Laurel and Guinevere
THE STATE OF THE SCHOOL ADDRESS (Pre-ramble)
Yes, it's that time again...! Well, maybe "again" is not the exact right word, since we have never done this sort of thing before, but hey - if we're not picky, you shouldn't be. We just thought that now would be a great time to give our version of the State of the Union Address. Since our world is basically WPI and its environs, we decided to skip the rest of the world and just go for what's happening around here.
When President Clinton gave his (hour and a half long!) speech last week, he concentrated (using the term loosely) on those things that were done in the past year, and on that which he hopes to accomplish in the coming one. We, on the other hand, are not going to be here next year, so we don't think that the second half really suits us. However, we can make suggestions for those who will be here, and maybe they will get done. Who knows, we might have such - wonderful - brainstorms - that - will - cause - sweeping - changes - throughout - the - campus - that - they - will - love - and - revere - us - for - all - time - and - maybe - even - dedicate - a - room - to - us (S. W. B. T. W. C. S. C. T. T. C. T. T. W. L. A. R. U. F. A. T. A. M. E. D. A. R. T. U.). Hey, did you notice the words "tame dart" in that one? Neat. We didn't even intend that one. Honest. (We also broke the record with 29 letters!)
[This is a complete aside, and has nothing to do with the State of the School Address, but we thought that is was really neat anyway, so we decided to include it.] Here's a fun game: take all those letters that we just used for the E. L. W. A. (extra - long - winded - acronym -- a term invented by our good friend "Jean Claude Van Dan") and try to make a personal ad from them. You may add whatever words are necessary to make it (1) funny, and (2) sensible. If you have no idea what we are talking about, then obviously you have (1) lived in a tunafish can for your entire life, or (2) have a girlfriend(s) and/or boyfriend(s) and don't read the personals. For those who fit either of these categories, we offer the following example of what a personal could be: SWF seeks SBM for S&M, B&D, and M.O.U.S.E. Get the picture? Good. The only rule is that you must use all the letters in the order that they appear above. Send your entries to us ASAP!
DISCLAIMER: We the writers of this column wish to express our sincere apologies for the previous paragraph. We did not, and do not, condone any of the activities suggested, implied, or otherwise, with any member of the rodent family. If you were in any way confused or suggested by the contents of the paragraph, then you are quite obviously much more sick and twisted than we are. -- THE MANAGEMENT
...and now back to our regularly scheduled program...
THE STATE OF THE SCHOOL ADDRESS:
Gee, um, where do we start? We didn't really watch Clinton's address, but rather the "State of the Union Undressed" with Dennis Miller. Hey, actually that was probably better preparation than we first thought. Hmmm, but there is a fundamental difference: Miller was out to make fun of the president and other such sundry politicians, while we are just going to talk about what has been done since we started writing Philler, and what we would like to see. Maybe we should make this week an introduction, let you guys send in some of your concerns and ideas for the future of this institution, and *then* we'll get to the actual address. How does that sound? ... We're waiting... Are you going to respond? Oh, yeah, this is not a real conversation, just a newspaper article. Gee, I guess the Prozak is kicking in already.
See, we are still on this write - to - us - and - tell - us - what - you - are - thinking - with - regard - to absolutely - anything - in - the - world - and - we'll - discuss - it (W. T. U. A. T. U. W. Y. A. T. W. R. T. A. A. I. T. W. A. W. D. I.). Wow, two E. L. W. A.s in one article! Gee, what will the censors think? (BTW, did you notice the preponderance of Ts, Ws, and As in that one?) We really want to know what you think. We know that we're totally crazy, and that sometimes we don't have much of a clue. Therefore we want some input from you, the reader. What do you want for the future here at Whoopie Tech? We'd like to compile a list of things that you think have gone well, and things that haven't; things that should be done, and things that shouldn't; and things that, if they happened, you would kiss an aardvark to avoid having them happen to you again.
CAMPUS ALERT! We here at Philler Newz now take a moment to bring you this newz of monumental importance: the campus is being taken over (quite slowly, but it's happening) by mutants. These seemingly innocent looking creatures are nothing to be trifled with. They are very dangerous. We first learned about their existence from a very confidential and highly classified report from one of our field operatives. The letter follows...
I was wondering if you have noticed the new pewter light fixture outside of Gom[p]ies? It seems to have grown on the wall during our break, in a similar manner to the ivy which adorns the Riley walls of Riley hall.
p.s. Could I please have a certificate if you decide to run this comment, I know just the spot to hang it in.
Right now they may seem innocent enough, since their current victims are only small, nocturnal, flying insects. However, for every little bug that falls into their electric snare of death, their desire for more juicy bits grows exponentially until they have enough energy to transmute into a larger and much more hideous form... What are they? We don't know, but we know that they are quite dangerous. Right now, there are only a few of them, but once they get a little larger they will be able to start breeding, and that's when the problem starts. They are soooo loud when they start doing that. Don't ask us how we know - just take our word for it. We have to stop them before they get out of control! We have to keep them in check before they start to make as much noise as the guys downstairs from us... If you have any information regarding these creatures (eating habits beyond bugs, location of new ones, etc.) please contact us. Remember, it costs nothing to write us a letter (unlike "Gadsen Flag" who makes you mail to a Worcester PO Box - my, someone's paranoid of his own opinion) - we are not affiliated in any way with the federal government; those lovely people who brought you the 32 cent stamp. Honest. You can trust us... [insert picture of Laurel and Guinevere smiling *that* smile just one more time]
Sorry, this next part is absolutely necessary. Well, not really, but we think that sometimes we have to give in to our inner children and make fun of someone who definitely deserves it. If you have not yet guessed, we are talking about "Gadsen Flag" again. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, our pal and yours, the guy who's obsessed with the librarian. From the details in your article, it is pretty obvious that you are a member of SGA. Why don't you just go to their meetings and make your point there? I'm sure they'd love to hear your opinions, wink wink. Before we get into the "hiding behind pseudonyms" thing, think about this: we use the names because they are funny, not to hide. We are responsible about what we say, and always ask for feedback to our proposals and our opinions. We'll make you an offer you can't refuse [said in Godfather voice]: If you publish your real name, we'll do the same. See, it's a sale: 2 for 1. (Don't get any ideas - we don't work at the library.)
BTW, the ratio of "hard uncomfortable chairs to soft comfortable chairs" in the library is 4.4658437 to 1. Keep the beer. Love and Sloppy Wet Kisses, L & G
Send your thoughts, observations, and questions to us at firstname.lastname@example.org...