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by Laurel and Guinevere

Well, it's been another week here at WPI. D term seems to be going very quickly for some reason. We think is has something to do with the unusually high amount of starch in the air, but we aren't scientists, so we'll move on... For some, this may seem like a good thing since school is almost done for the year, but for others (seniors mostly) this is very, very bad... The end of the senior year D term means job hunting, apartment hunting, or trying to find a graduate school to rescue you from the impending "real world." Not like "MTV's Real World," mind you, where you're in a free, gigantic, modern apartment living with people who are complete opposites of you and some faceless guy who videotapes your every move at odd angles and shows his tapes to people all over the country. No, we're talking "Worcester's Real World" which (for good reasons) is much less publicized.

First off, unless you're planning on moving back home or living behind a statue somewhere, you will need to find an apartment. If at all possible, leave this job to someone else since it is a royal pain in the pituey. What part of the body is the pituey anyhow? I don't think it's short for pituitary gland, but who knows... So you're looking for an apartment: one which you can afford, yet not below the standard of living of most subway rodents. [Hey! I finally saw one of those cute little mousy - rodent - thingies (M. R. T.s) running around the tracks in a Boston T station! - Guinevere] You may find yourself living in a cardboard box, and you may ask yourself, "Well, how do I get out of here?"

The secret to finding an apartment, aside from being wholly unlike that of Kellogg's Frosted Flakes, is: call, call, call... No matter where you call, however, you will not talk to a living, breathing person (or tigers). Get ready to say repeatedly into the answering machine, "This is (insert interesting fake name of your devising here). I need AN APARTMENT!!! Please call me at 1-800-NO-HOUSE." For the truly enterprising young engineer, make a machine to leave messages on their machines so you can do something far more exciting, such as blindfolded naked baseball (on a steeeck)...

If they ever call you back, party like it's 1959! You get to look at the place! Maybe... Hopefully, there aren't too many people moving in with you because you'll never be able to get everyone together at the same time; kinda like when the Mongols invaded China, but having not so much to do with horses. So, when you get inside the place, be sure to ask the following questions:

10. Do you check the criminal records of your tenants?

9. Do any of the current occupants come with the apartment?

8. Do you think they'd mind if I take this CD? I've been looking for it everywhere.

7. Would it be possible to do some minor alterations, such as moving the building 16" N. N. W.?

6. Are the tenants downstairs single?

5. Can I bring my pet elephant? He's mostly toilet trained...

4. If we accidentally burn down the house, do we still get our security deposit back? After all, it would look like an accident...

3. This place comes standard with a mud wrestling pit, right?

2. If we kidnapped some of the local kids, how long do you think we could keep them before their mothers start looking?

1. Do we get rent cuts for.. special favors?

On second thought, don't ask these unless you're sure that you DON'T want the apartment, as some of these questions are liable to get you arrested, slapped, or possibly deported. We suggest that you think of stupid things of your own to say to the person whom you hope will come and fix your water heater in the dead of winter...

Now that you've seen the place, and a dozen others, it's probably time to sit down, relax, think about what you've seen, and chase all that down with a beer for every apartment... Take a sip for: every window frame that rattles, every room that has only one electrical outlet, every time the landlord says "This place is insulated, you know...," every dark and scary stairway you have to walk up to see your possible future abode, every person you see carrying an illegal firearm or other instrument of mayhem on the way to the place, and every time you feel it necessary to wipe you feet... when you *leave* the apartment.

OK, now that you're drunk, pick one... This method will guarantee that (1) you will get a great apartment, because drunk people always have much better taste than sober people, and (2) that you will have an excuse if the place smells somewhat akin to the final resting place of Jimmy Hoffa.

We ourselves have not gotten beyond this point in the process, so we don't know exactly what happens now. We do, however, know that everything we stated above is absolutely true for 99 44/100 % of the places in this area, so be sure to take notes...

And now for something - which - you - all - must - have - known - was - coming, - but - were - thinking - that - maybe - you - could - get - away - from - it - for - just - one - week, - but - aren't - really - surprised - that - we're - doing - it - now, - and - will - read - it - as - soon - as - we - get - through - with - this - extra - long - winded - acronym. (S. W. Y. A. M. H. K. W. C. B. W. T. T. M. Y. C. G. A. F. I. F. J. O. W. B. A. R. S. T. W. D. I. N. A. W. R. I. A. S. A. W. G. T. W. T. E. L. W. A.) Yay, a new world record: 48! And now on to the letter...

Geez, with all the letters you guys get, it seems like you've become the "GS Grams" for WPI...taking all the students' complaints.

-PatrickD & Tom Servo on Phounders Phirst Philler Phans Phorever

PS: You gals should come up with your own scavenger hunt for QuadFest...with real cool stuff to find and some neat prizes. I bet you could get some sort of funding for a Philler Phind.

What a great idea! Anyone on the QuadFest Committee interested in sponsoring such a thing? We would make up the list of things to scavenge, handle all the publicity, but check with you people for prizes, etc. If anyone is interested in helping us out (that means you committee people), or would like to participate in the hunt, please write. Imagine the envy of others when they see you sporting a PPC T-shirt, or something...

Well, we hope that you have been enlightened with our super helpful and very accurate description of apartment hunting. If you actually use any of our suggestions, please write to us and we'll try to help get you out of jail... Also, if anyone has any horror stories from the real world, please send them to us at Box 2700 or newspeak@wpi.edu. Until next week, peace, love, and corndogs (on a steeek...).

DON'T FORGET TO LISTEN TO PHILLER PHRIDAYS ON WPIR EVERY MONDAY FROM 4:00 TO 6:00 PM!!!!!


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