Aardvarks and Toothpicks - Here's looking at you, kid.
by Laurel and Guinevere
Is reality getting you down? Every week, Philler will bring you... well... reality with a twist. It's kind of like Alfred Hitchcock meets Douglas Adams meets Dear Abby meets that guy wandering around downtown Worcester who's always talking to himself. To help you catch up on what's been going on in the last couple of years, we've set up the Philler (Ph)Archives on the World Wide Web. Set your Netscape (or if you must, Mosaic) browser to http://www.wpi.edu/~tbt/Philler/Philler.html and start reading. If you don't know how to use this program yet, go to the CCC and ask someone.
Since September 28, 1993 we've been uncovering hideous (and little known) plots on campus that the administration is trying to implement (H. A. L. K. P. O. C. T. T. A. I. T. T. I.). To help us in our research, we've been known to stretch the truth, and in some cases simply "make up" facts to help our argument. (Hell, this works all the time in our classes.) We still haven't gotten an acceptable answer from the administration as to where those trap doors in the floor of the wedge lead to...
We also provide a service to the WPI community by answering 99% of all the questions sent in by our readers (which, by the way, now includes you unless you've managed to comprehend this article without reading it somehow, and if so, we'd like to know how you did it) and publishing it in Newspeak sometime before the cows come home.
If your query gets published, you will become an official member of the Philler Phan Club and will be sent an expensive solid gold... er... um... I think we ran out of those... well... you will be sent a personalized Philler Phan Club membership certificate suitable for framing, as well as immortality in an issue of Newspeak. What more could you possibly want? Don't answer that.
Starting this year, after printing your letter, we will be requesting you to send us a photo of yourself for the Philler Hall of Phame. We have a few white spaces between all of our posters that need covering...
Right now, you're probably asking yourself, "Where do I sign up?" Well, we're glad you asked. You can: 1) E-mail us at "newspeak@wpi.edu". 2) Send us a physical letter to Philler c/o Newspeak at WPI Box 2700. 3) Go to our web site (see above) and click "Philler Pheedback."
We also encourage you to send letters saying you liked an article, letters saying you hated the article, non-"parrish"able food items and/or small children. If you have any questions as to how to get a hold of us, simply write us a note using one of the above methods...
Well, that's about it for now. Philler orientation is over. Our first article will be next week. Be sure to live it up before classes start. Tell your friends. We will start checking our mail right... now.
Send your thoughts, observations, and questions to us at philler@philler.com...
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